a way to cope
by justanotherstarlitnight
Summary: where we learn what makes the marauders, lily and luna mist (oc) tick during their seventh year. when emotions run rampant and danger lurks everywhere, true friendships are what pulls them through. trigger warnings for self-harm, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression, sexual assault, and abuse. i ship wolfstar and jily with my entire heart and so does my story. thanks for reading!
1. Breathe, Remus

I told Sirius that I would check on Remus, but the room was warded against everyone. Remus was good in Arithmancy, I remembered. However, I wasn't Head Girl for nothing. Realizing that the wards would take a while to de-activate, I chose a very Muggle method of getting in: simply breaking down the door. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't to find Remus on the floor, sobbing, with something clenched in his hand. I knelt down beside him, ignoring my gut feeling that something was very, very wrong. "Um... Remus? What's wrong?"

"I'm a monster! I'm a monster, that's what, and I could have killed him! I could have killed Padfoot, and he was hurt, and- I can't do this anymore."

He gasped for air, and I saw that he was shaking.

"Breathe, Remus. You're not a monster, and Sirius knows the risks. It was only a scratch, and you know Madam Pomfrey fixed him in an instant."

"I can't!" he sobbed. "It's not worth it."

Suddenly, I saw a streak of crimson on his sleeve. "Did Madam Pomfrey forget to fix that?" I asked gently. "I can do it for you now." I pulled down the offending sleeve, and his eyes got wider and wider until I thought they would fall out. He yanked it back up in a heartbeat, and yet again I got that foreboding sense.

"Remus? What's wrong? I'm just fixing that…"

As much as I had calmed him down, he began to freak out again, as I struggled to figure out what was wrong, for Remus was the calm one, yet he was sobbing so hard right in front of me. Then, as I thought things couldn't get any worse, I was proven wrong, as Remus went still. I was suddenly very glad that I was apprenticing with Poppy to become a healer. I checked his vitals, and realized he had passed out, presumably because of his panic attack. Then he began to stir, and called sleepily, "Siri?"

"Remus, it's me, Luna. Sirius is in the hospital wing."

"What happened?!" He bolted upright so fast that I didn't see it.

"You don't remember? He just went for a Pepper-Up and for Madam Pomfrey to fix a scratch."

"Oh," he looked around sheepishly."Because of the full moon yesterday?"

"Yeah… He was just tired." I failed to tell him that Sirius also had several broken ribs from when Remus had thrown , I decided to try something. Hey, Remus, could I fix that thing on your arm? You're bleeding."

"Oh, this? Just a scratch… I can do it…"

"Remus, that's your wand arm. Now stop being such a man, and let me do it."

I pulled down his sleeve, and gasped. "Oh, Remus."

He had started hyperventilating again, and I realized that was a more pressing matter than the lines on his skin. "Remus, relax. Breathe in, breathe out. I'm not gonna hurt you, or snitch."

That seemed to have done the trick for now.

"But, why?"

"They're from my transformations," he said, not meeting my eyes.

"Remus, do you really consider me to be that stupid?"

"Well… Sirius bought it."

Sirius hasn't had to heal a hell of a lot of people. Remember, I'm Poppy's apprentice?"

He suddenly went very pale. "Oh. Crap."

Suddenly, Sirius came bounding through the door. "Good as new!"

Meanwhile, I had cast a silent, wandless glamour charm on Remus's arms, who looked like he was going to start panicking again, then looked down, and was considerably more relieved.

"Sirius," I started, just as he said,

"What? A guy can't tell his boyfriend that he's back?"

"Sirius," I tried again, giving him a look. "Can Moony and I have a few minutes?"  
"Fineee," he grumbled, good-naturedly, "Just don't steal my boyfriend."

Remus gagged, and I looked at him, slightly offended. "What? You wouldn't snog me?"

There was silence for a few seconds, and then everyone burst into laughter, Sirius literally rolling on the floor, laughing.

Then he spoke. "Luna, you've scarred me for life. Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Just know, that we have lunch in an hour."

Remus spluttered, "We just ate!"

I looked at my watch. "Correction: We ate almost four hours ago."

Sirius gasped, and left.

"Now… Remus, why?"

"Why do you want to know?" he spat.

"Remus…"

"Sorry. Fine. Because I'm a monster, and I can't cope any other way."

"Remus, I swear, you're not a monster. Yes, you turn into a werewolf once a month..." Then, inspiration struck. "But, honestly, I think us girls are a lot worse during… you know, that time of month."

Remus started hysterically laughing again. "Thanks, Luna. I kinda needed that."

Then the mood turned somber again. "Remus, you need to stop this. You could get seriously hurt."

"Siriusly?" Remus attempted to lighten the mood, but once he realized he failed, he turned bitter again. "What the hell would you know about it?"

"Yes, Siriusly." I rolled my eyes at him. "I'd know a lot more than you'd think," I said, "considering…" I raised my own sleeves. On the olive skin, there were hundreds of perfectly straight lines carved into my skin.

"Oh," was all Remus could think of saying. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how long he had been wearing long sleeves. I realized that he had always worn long sleeves, because he was self-conscious of his werewolf scars, so he didn't even have to hide his cuts.

"How long, Remus?" I needed to know.

"Ummm…" he gulped. "Two years?"

"Oh, god, Remus. Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Sirius and James wouldn't have understood… Wizarding culture doesn't typically deal with self-harm. You weren't an apprentice yet and hadn't taken Healer Oaths yet, and would've had to report me as a prefect. I didn't know Lily as well, and Peter… isn't the best at keeping secrets. I couldn't tell anyone."

"Remus, yes, I was a prefect, and now I'm Head Girl, but before all that, you're one of my best friends. I would do anything for you. Now, can I heal that?"

He simply nodded in reply.

'Episkey.'

"Now what?" Remus asked.

"Well, it's really hypocritical, but I think you should stop cutting. And maybe talk about it if you feel like doing it? You can talk to me. I wouldn't tell.


	2. Easy, Siri

After lunch, I made sure Remus went to bed, as he was exhausted from his transformation the night before. I cast several monitoring charms, so I would know when he woke up, and to make sure he didn't cut again. I then approached Sirius. "Hey… Sorry about earlier… We had a bit of a _situation_."

"I see," he said. "And what might that situation be?"

I debated whether or not I should tell him. For now, I chose not to, instead questioning him.

"Anyways," I quickly changed the subject, "Why did it take you so long in the hospital wing?"  
"Well, you know that Madam Pomfrey had to mend my ribs. I also needed a Pepper-Up."

I raised my eyebrows, and the tall boy groaned in defeat.

He was about to answer, but was cut off by a coughing fit that didn't sound healthy. I winced in reply.

"Sorry about that. As I was about to say, it seems that I've caught a cold."

I rolled my eyes at him. "And this is why you use warming charms if you're gonna run around in the snow at night with a werewolf."

He merely sniffed in response. Then he doubled over, coughing and wheezing, and gasping for air. "Easy, Siri," I said, rubbing circles into his back.

"Can't *gasp* breathe."

I knew that he had to wait out the fit, so we stayed as we were, in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room. Even though I was a Ravenclaw, I hung out more with the Gryffindors, and was named an honorary one.

After he was finished, I sentenced him to bed rest, and promised him I'd bring him homework as I ran off to Charms, which I was already late for.


	3. All That Could Be Said

We were learning about the Protean Charm, which made it a dull class, as I had learned it in 4th year along with the Marauders. I was just about to fall asleep (Honestly, who used Binns as a substitute?!), when flashing lights went off before my eyes. It was the spell I had used to tell when Remus woke up. I knew that James had a free period, so he would keep Remus company, and relaxed, just as a more urgent flashing started. It was complete with a mini-siren noise. "Crap," I muttered, knowing it was the second alarm. I ran to the Gryffindor boys' dorms, and no one even batted an eyelid, being either asleep, or too used to something happening to disrupt class. It just happened that the Fat Lady wasn't in her portrait, so I had to wait outside the hole until she came back. After a good half an hour, she decided to grace me with her presence, and complained very audibly about the fact that she was holding voice lessons upstairs. She then proceeded to tell me that the password had been changed, and she couldn't allow me entry. I had no choice but to threaten to tell Dumbledore, and she whined, saying, "Fine! It still was Comet!" and let me in. I ran up the steps at breakneck speed, not even pausing at James's yell of "What's wrong?!". This was urgent. I had already waited too long.

As I pushed the door open, I looked upon the room. Sirius was still asleep, but looked to be having a nightmare. Remus also looked asleep… But upon closer look, he was simply lying there in a pool of blood. I cursed, and heard a sharp gasp behind me. Whirling around, I saw James. Ignoring him for now, I assessed the damage. Remus's wrist had a long, deep vertical slash. "Terego!" I had to clean up the dried blood first. It looked bad. I couldn't heal the cut with magic yet, as there was no such spell. I summoned bandages from my room, securing his arm so it wouldn't start bleeding again. Cleaning up the rest of the blood, I realized that James was still behind me.

He looked to be in shock, as his mouth was open, and he just stood there. "James," I tried, "Could you please get Lily? Tell her it's urgent."

He slowly closed his mouth, and hoarsely said, "What? Yeah, sure."

He disappeared for a few minutes, and reappeared with Lily. Bewildered was an understatement for what she felt. It was obvious that James didn't offer her an explanation by the look on her face.

"Luna, what is going on here, and what's wrong with Remus?!"

"Lily," I cautioned, "You can't freak out."

"Why would I?" she questioned. "It's not like he tried to kill himself or something." Then realization dawned upon her face. "Oh my god. He tried to kill himself."

"Lily, I need you to help me stabilize him. Emergency procedure 23."

She shakily nodded, but I knew that she wouldn't take this will.

'Well,' I thought. 'There would be time to deal with that later.'

Once Remus's cuts were cleaned and bandaged, and he was in no danger, I looked at James. Lily had fallen asleep on my bed, and I didn't have the heart to wake her up.

"James, you alright?"

He shrugged, still looking at the floor. I knew it was hard to process, but I guess one got used to injuries when they studied healing. However, I knew James didn't have that advantage.

"James," I knelt down across from him. He still hadn't budged from the chair. "James, you can't just-"

"Whas goin on?" Sirius mumbled blearily, waking up. "And where's Remmy?"

Through all of the earlier events, I had stayed pulled together, but it was at this I lost it. Tears began to fall, and Sirius stepped forward quickly, enveloping me in a hug. He knew how I got when I was upset. "Where's Remus?" Sirius asked again.

At this, James jumped, apparently just realizing that Sirius was there. Sirius and I looked at each other, and he looked concerned for the man he called his brother. 'What had happened to make him lose the egoistic and strong façade?'

"Jamie, you okay?" Sirius questioned. I let him, knowing James was going into shock, and hoped he'd have better luck with him than I had so far.

James shrugged again, and Sirius knelt to eye-level with him, as he was very tall, and James was sitting in the chair I had transfigured from an old shirt. He gently shook James by the shoulders, and said, "James. Talk to me."

"I'm fine," he said. Sirius receded, pleased at having some reaction from James, who had seemed almost-catatonic.

"Where is Remus?" Sirius asked for the third time. I debating between telling Sirius or not, and chose the former. He would find out anyway, and Remus had lost the privilege to privacy about this when he tried to kill himself.

I wondered how one went about telling someone that their boyfriend and best friend tried to off himself, and decided I would just have to get it over with.

"Sirius, Remus tried-" I gulped. "He tried to kill himself. Cut his brachial artery, and he-. He tried to kill himself." I repeated, realizing how real the situation truly was. And the worst part was that it was Remus. I would have never expected him to. He was always the strongest, other than James. The most responsible, the best at controlling his demons. This ...reckless act was something I would attribute to Sirius had I not known that it was **Remus** in the next bed. But it was Remus.

Sirius swallowed. "Oh." And that was all that could be said. "Oh."


	4. Absence Was Felt

We all sat there for a few minutes, contemplating recent events in silence. Finally, Sirius looked up. If one looked closely, they could see he had been crying. This was a sure sign something was wrong, as according to the rest of the world, Sirius Black did not cry. While it was true that most people didn't find him doing it in public, for his parents had ingrained in him to not show weakness, his fellow Marauders had seen a fair share of tears, usually after nightmares about his home life. So the rest of the world was proved wrong when his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks came into view."Did he say why he-you know… Or leave a note?" It was obvious that he wanted to understand what had led Remus to do this. James looked at me too, as I was the only one who seemed to know anything about this. I shrugged, and decided a bit of a backstory was in order.

"Guys, so, the thing is…" I didn't want to have to tell them, but they were his best friends, and would always keep him safe, even if it was from himself. "He had hidden himself in the dorms, and I broke down the door, and oh Merlin, he had a panic attack because I asked him about a mark on his arm, because I thought it was because of the full moon, and… " I paused for a breath, "He's been cutting for two years now, but I found out today, and he tried to kill himself and I don't know why!" I was slightly hysterical by now, and I was once again wrapped in strong arms, which I knew took a lot of effort on Sirius's part, because Remus was always his first priority. But Remus wasn't here right now, and his absence was felt. I knew that Sirius was depending on me as much as I was clinging on to him right now.


	5. And I Relaxed

That night, I couldn't sleep. That's normal for me, as I only get about 3 hours of sleep a day, but today, I just **couldn't**. The image of Remus, broken, kept replaying in my head. I knew that they were probably having the same problem in the Boys' Dorms. I had taken up temporary residence in the Gryffindor Girls' Dorms, and the rest of the girls were far too used to this to comment. Sighing, knowing I wouldn't get any sleep anyway, I slipped out of bed and into the Common Room. I decided to bring some calming draughts and sleeping potions. Thankfully, I only had to worry about two Marauders right now, as Peter was home, helping his mom with his baby sister, who was born last week, and Remus was still comatose. Trudging up the stairs to where the guys were, I entered the room. Hearing muffled sobs, I sat on James's bed. "James?" I asked tentatively. "Couldn't sleep?" I mentally facepalmed myself with this, as it was obvious he hadn't drifted off.

"M'fine," he said. That was all he had said since this afternoon, as if saying it over and over again would somehow make it true.

"Seriously, you okay?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I mean, how could anyone be okay with what happened today?" I inwardly sighed. This was definitely true. At least he was speaking. I remembered then that he also saw what had happened, and realized that one of the only things worse than knowing your best friend tried to take his own life was seeing the evidence. Honestly, I was at a loss of how to handle this. I couldn't tell an adult, as it would go into Remus's file, and he would have a hard enough time getting a job due to the werewolf thing without being discriminated against for "mental instability."

James opened his mouth as to speak again, seemed to think better of it, then tried again. "When'll he wake up?" It was kind of uncomfortable to speak of it, but since James was responding, and it seemed to be the only thing on our minds anyway, I obliged.

"He should be awake by tomorrow, or the day after at the latest." He just nodded in reply, and again I was struck at how different he looked from the boy he had been just yesterday.

"Did Siri fall asleep okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, but he kept waking up… I guess the nightmares were worse tonight." Ever since his second year, when his parents used the Cruciatus on him, he had had nightmares about the abuse he had suffered. Apparently, even escaping to the Potters' didn't relieve them. So, I nodded again, as that made sense. I knew I would have nightmares about today for a while, so why would Sirius be any different?

"You want to talk about it?" I asked James. I knew he felt powerless right now. He shrugged again, and said,

"Why not? Not like I'm gonna get any sleep."

I waited for him to start, and got comfortable by pulling a blanket from his trunk.

Predictably, he started with, "It's just hard, you know? Siri suffers like this every night, and I can't do anything about it, just as I couldn't do anything to stop his parents… And then we had no idea Remus was hurting, and he does this, and…"

He broke into sobs again, and I quickly moved to comfort him, so that instead of crying into his blanket, he was crying on my shoulder. The truth was, I knew exactly how he felt, because none of us had picked up on the fact that there was something wrong. I usually prided myself on being intuitive, and noticing the smallest changes in people's moods, but it seemed I was losing my touch.

"Need some tea?" I asked James. If nothing else, the hot liquid would be comforting. He nodded, so I called for Misty the house elf. She seemed to have taken a particular liking to me, perhaps because of my last name, Mist. She popped in, and was delighted when we asked for some tea. Of course, I could've gone to the kitchens myself, but I didn't want to leave James in such a state. A few seconds later, she reappeared some chamomile tea. We both picked up our mugs, and drank.

"Thanks, Luna. I kinda needed to vent." James said, somewhat groggily. That was good. The sleeping potion and calming draughts I had brought were working.

"You idiot," I sighed. "I'm always here to listen."

"I know," he nodded, and slipped off into slumber.

'One down, one more to go,' I thought, as I walked over to Sirius's bed. Sure enough, he was awake.

" **You** okay?" I asked him, hoping I wouldn't have to prod anything out of him.

He nodded, "Yeah, I'll be fine." I noted his use of the future tense, and wanted to do nothing more right now than pull him into a hug, which is exactly what I did. For once, he allowed himself to relax, and I knew that he'd be asleep soon.

"Nightmares keeping you up?" I asked. Once again, I congratulated myself on stating the obvious. (Note the sarcasm.) He didn't seem to notice, which worried me.

"Yeah… Nothing new, though…" I rolled my eyes.

"Talk to me," I said. It seemed that it wasn't only James being an internalizing idiot.

"Well, nothing new, as I said… I'm just really tired…" I knew how he felt. Sleep deprivation was something I dealt with every day, being too proud to just take a sleeping draught. However, I knew that I should just put my ego aside today, and asked for more tea. Misty came back with some, and slipping the potions into both, I handed one to Sirius. He gulped his down, and slid under the covers. I was a bit slower, but was feeling woozy myself. According to James, who found us the next morning, I had taken over Sirius's bed, while he took Peter's. So it was in a totally logical state of panic I found myself in the next morning, still in bed at 10 A.M.

"What?! Why'd you lot let me sleep?! I had to check on Remus!" I yelled. To my surprise, Lily was next to me.

"Relax, I did it. Merlin knows you needed the sleep."

I silently thanked the stars for having such a considerate girl for my best friend, and relaxed.


	6. Astronomy Tower

**A/N: Hi! I just figured out how to add these, and I wanted to say thank you for reading and all of the wonderful reviews. I want to put in a trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal thoughts, and advise you not to read this fanfiction if it will trigger you. I promise, it's not that important. I don't intend to glorify or romanticize self-harm, and I'm only writing it to get my thoughts out. I've been where Remus is in this story, and I want you all to know you can talk to me about anything, and I'm truly here to listen. So if you do stick around and read, let me know what you think, and feel free to leave me constructive criticism. :)**

 **Disclaimer: I am in no way J.K. Rowling, and I'm simply borrowing her characters. I promise to put them back, but it would be mean to give Remus Lupin back nearly dead, and Sirius and James would be lonely without him, so I'll give them back a little later when I'm done with this story. Okay, *deep breath* on with the fic. :)**

The next day passed fairly normally, or as normal as any day at Hogwarts could get. Remus was still comatose, but the rest of us went to class, watching Remus in shifts. Mostly, we'd just sit there, doing homework or reading, but sometimes we'd change his bandages or talk to him comfortingly. Sirius seemed to take it the hardest, so he went to the least shifts. It was mostly James and Lily. James would spend the time prattling on about class or some prank idea, and seemed to wait for an admonishment about responsibility, and 'You're Head Boy, get your head out of your arse!' and would then wilt when none came. Then, he'd go back to talking. Lily sat there in companionable silence, writing, and would smile at Remus sadly every now and then.

It was during the second shift when it happened. We were in Transfiguration, with Lily watching Remus, when suddenly Sirius ran out of class. James and I exchanged helpless shrugs as he slipped something into my pocket, before I looked at Professor McGonagall, nodded in the direction of the door, and ran after him.

I groaned to myself for not bringing the Marauder's Map, before I realized that I had a piece of rolled up parchment in my pocket, and silently thanked James for something that would help me find Sirius. I willed my wand out of its holster on the inside of my arm, and tapped it. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." The dot named Sirius Black was near the Astronomy Tower.


	7. That Look

I sighed, and ran up. This did not bode well. As I ran up four floors, I thought, 'Really Sirius?! You pick the one place it would take me ages to get to?!' Then I mentally thanked him for making me go running with him in the mornings, because it built up stamina. Two floors up, I took a second to breathe, clutching the stitch in my side, and started running again. This was more important.

I went up the staircase, and saw Sirius sitting on the edge of the tower, his head in his hands. As to not spook him, for he looked as vulnerable as a baby horse who might flee in an instant if cornered, I sat down beside him. "Sirius? What's going on?"

He didn't respond, and I wondered what had happened to make him run out of class. "Siri? You okay?"

Once again, he didn't respond, so I resolved to simply sit there until he felt like talking. After a few minutes of silence, he turned to look at me instead of staring straight down. I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, and he shrugged. "Just tired, I guess. Don't know what happened." I didn't say anything, waiting for him to elaborate. Just when I thought it was pointless to push, he spoke. "How do you stay so stable with all this?! He bloody tried to kill himself, and he's still not awake, and everything's falling apart! I ran away from that hellhole, but they're threatening to move me back there by force, and they're trying to get me married! To a girl!"

As if this confession took a lot out of him, he slumped and leaned against me. Suddenly, he sat back up, moving closer and closer to the edge of the tower.

'What was he doing?! Surely he wasn't-... No, he couldn't be.'

As if wanting to prove my silent pleas wrong, he lingered on the ledge for an instant, and casually remarked, "Nice day for it, right?" and leaned, almost off the tower. In that instant, I saw that haunted look in your eyes, and tried to remember where I'd seen it before. While I was struggling to recall where I had seen that look, I saw something else. Sirius was poised to jump. Following the instinct I wish I had with Remus, I grabbed him as soon as he let go, and for a moment, I thought we were both going to fall, because he was a lot heavier than I was, (for Beaters must be muscular,) but then I managed to move backwards, and pulled him up.

I saw that his eyes were glistening with silent tears, and he was shaking, and yet he managed to say in a relatively even voice, "You shouldn't have done that, you could have fallen."

I looked at him incredulously, "But you would have."

He shrugged. And then I realized that this was what he had meant last night, when he'd said that he'd be fine. He'd planned to do this. And as I opened my mouth to yell at him, channeling Lily's temper, I looked at him, and closed it. It would just remind him of his parents, and besides, he still flinched when someone came near him. I couldn't do that to him. He was already broken, and I was here to help him, not hurt him.

I just sat down again, and sighed. Imitating his conversational tone, I said, "What would that've accomplished?"

"Would've gotten away from my dear family," he said, and oh, Merlin, I wanted to smack him for being such an idiot. I didn't, but I said so. He shrugged, and I realized where I had seen that look. It was one of defeat, and I had seen it in Remus's eyes before The Incident, so deserving of its capital letters.


	8. It's Just So Hard and a Wake-Up Call

**A/N: Omg, guys… I'm so sorry I haven't updated! I dislocated my knee, and I haven't gotten anything done this week, cause crutches take a lot out of you! But I finally got around to posting the chappie I wrote a few days. Thanks for reading, and I promise I'll be better about updating! :) Now, on with the chapter!  
_**

"Sirius," I pleaded. "Please don't. We'll work it out, but please, suicide isn't the answer! What about being an Auror, helping Reg? What about life?!"

And just like that, he broke down. "It's just so hard!"

And so it was. Sometimes existing was just so exhausting.

He continued, "And everyone needs me to be strong when **I** need someone!"

And apparently crying was a common theme these days, because Sirius was suddenly doing it again.

"Oh, Siri, I'm here for you. Always."

"But what if you're not? It's never been so bad before!" I knew he was talking about the combination of events that had transpired, along with the fact that the overwhelming depression he experienced from time to time was back.

"It'll look better in the morning, okay? Why don't you go to bed?" This was the only thing I could really say to that.

"Don't think I could sleep," he protested.

"Take a sleeping draught," I reasoned. "Sleep'll make you feel better."

He nodded, and let me take him back to the dormitory, where Remus was still unconscious, and Lily asleep. As it turned out, there was no need for the sleeping draught, as he was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I sat there, reading, but present if needed. An hour or two later, James burst into the room with sandwiches. He took a look at the scene in front of him, and motioned for me to come outside for a moment, as to not disturb the sleeping occupants.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

I wondered how many more times this would have to be asked until it could be said that everything was, in fact, fine.

I sighed, and he took that to mean no. "James, Sirius is taking this a lot harder than we thought."

He raised an eyebrow as if to ask what exactly had happened, and I sighed again.

"He tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower."

A beat passed, then two. Now it was his turn to sigh. "Wouldn't be the first time."

I wondered what exactly had happened to entail the previous 'How many times?'

As if reading my mind, James said, "Three. First one was in second year, when we got back to school, second in fourth year, and most recently, fifth year, during the aftermath of The Prank, (also worthy of its capital letters.)"

I nodded, as James asked, "Why this time?"

"His" I bit back a curse, and continued "parents are trying to get him married to a girl, and he isn't taking Remus trying to kill himself well, but then again, no one is. Not to mention him being depressed and on top of that, he hasn't slept in two days..."

"They are?! The bastards! They disowned him, and he came bleeding to my house in the middle of the night because of who knows how many curses, and he's never said what actually happened that night, so you know it's bad. And now they're trying to get him married when he has a boyfriend?!"

I nodded. "I think he'd brush it off, but it's all too much added up. I sent him to sleep… He obviously needs it. Did you get any sleep yesterday?"

James shook his head. "It's fine, though."

I pointed toward a bed. "Now." He put his hands up in surrender, and went to bed.

It was the next day that Remus woke up. "Where'm I?"

James whooped, then covered his mouth as to not wake Sirius up, who had yet to rise. He claimed he had just been tired, but we all knew he was still a ticking time bomb. "You're awake, mate! How're you feeling?"

Remus shrugged. "Where's Sirius?" James and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes, and grinned. Both of them had asked the same thing.

"Asleep," James said.

"Is he sick or something? He's always up at the crack of dawn."

James looked at me helplessly, and I shrugged, not feeling especially creative.

He seemed to run through a list of excuses in his head, before finally settling on "Yeah, he's sick."

It wasn't exactly a lie, he **had** been sick a few days ago, but I could see from his face that he immediately felt bad. Not only for the lie, but for what we would have to tell Remus later.

Before Remus could ask anything else, I interrupted with, "How're you feeling, Remus?"

He shrugged again. "James," I said, "Would you mind getting my Charms textbook and checking on Lily for me? I think she's in the Common Room."

He nodded, and left, being tactful enough to not mention that my Charms book was in fact sitting on the chair next to Remus's bed, where I had been sitting.

"Remus," I said, "How're you doing with everything?"

"Okay," He said with the air of someone avoiding the question.

We sat there in silence, not knowing what exactly to say.

"Why?" I finally asked.


	9. We'll Find It

**I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately! I've been really overwhelmed with homework, and catching up due to missing four days of school. I promise I'll be on more as soon as I'm caught up! :)**

"I could've hurt them. The rest of the world would want me dead if they knew, anyway. I was doing everyone else a favor," Remus looked down as if he was ashamed to look me in the eye.

"Remus, the ones who want you dead don't know you. You're a name on paper to them, but ask anyone who knows you, and they'd say in a heartbeat that you're amazing." It was all I could think of saying.

He sighed, "I suppose it was a bit foolish of a thing to do. But living's just lost its appeal."

"We'll find it," I whispered, as I pulled him into a tight hug.

He finally looked up at me, teary-eyed. "We'll try. Now, could you tell me what's up with Sirius?"

"He tried to jump off of the Astronomy Tower. He said it was just a lapse in judgement, but I think there's a lot more to it. His parents are trying to get him married to a girl, and he hasn't been taking stuff really well…"

It was as if I couldn't stop talking once I had started.

"Is he okay?" It was obvious Remus was concerned for his best friend/boyfriend.

I shrugged. "He's been asleep since yesterday afternoon. I guess those long nights've finally caught up… I think he'll be fine, though. Will **you** be okay?"

He nodded.

 **Hey y'all! I just wanted to say that my story says that it has a male/male pairing. Please don't send hurtful messages… I spend a lot of time writing, and I've honestly been so unmotivated lately due to a really mean comment. That being said, I would really appreciate genuine reviews telling me if you liked it, or if not, why. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, and if you see a flaw, let me know, and I'll fix it… Unscrewedup, that was honestly the sweetest comment I've ever gotten. Thank you so much, and I'm glad you like it! Thank you all for reading, and let me know what you'd like to see in this story! :)**


	10. Wasn't Sure Why and a Time to Rant

That day passed, as all do. Sirius did not, in fact, wake up, until 4 a.m. the next day. I knew this because of the monitoring charm I had placed on him. Remus had been getting anxious because 'He hasn't woken up yet! Why hasn't he woken up?!', so I assured him that he just, in fact, needed to catch up on a lot of sleep, and would wake up once he was sufficiently rested. James and Lily had been happy to see Remus awake, and the former annoyed him to a certain extent, constantly asking him if he needed anything, to which he had replied, "James, I'm not an invalid! I'm on Suicide Watch!" This succeeded in quieting the messy-haired boy for all of five seconds, after which he and Remus burst out laughing at the strangeness of the situation, because these last few days had not been easy for anyone, and certainly not James. He had no experience with this stuff, and while Lily was good at just sitting there and listening, James was not. He kept looking outside longingly, and may have said, "Isn't it a great day for Quidditch?" once or twice-or 37 times at last count. Finally, Remus had sighed, and said, "James, don't you have a match against Slytherin coming up? How about you schedule practice?" Lily looked at him, gratefully, with a look. It said, 'I know I love that prat, but honestly!' I had just rolled my eyes, laughing. After practice, James and Lily had brought food from the kitchens for all of us, and we ate in the Common Room. After a couple rounds of Exploding Snap, which James always won at, Gobstones, Lily's favorite, and Wizard's Chess, which always involved an epic battle with me pitted against Remus, the others preferring to watch contentedly, we exchanged Goodnight's with each other, and went to the Dorms, James with Remus, with the latter still having protective charms and runes on him, and Lily and I to the Girls' Dorms. I had lain awake as the others easily fell asleep, not being able to myself even under the best of circumstances, which was why I was pacing restlessly at 4 a.m., when the charm on Sirius had sounded, which meant that he was awake. I slipped out of the room, unnoticed, and went to the Boys' Dorms. Opening the door soundlessly to not wake the others, I went in. "Hey," I said quietly, sitting on the foot of Sirius's bed, and casting a silencing charm so we could talk without disturbing the others. His normally pale skin looked deathly white in the moonlight, a sharp contrast to his dark hair, and his face was devoid of emotion.

"Hey," I said again. "How're you feeling?"

He sighed, and finally responded, "Like shit."

"Yeah? You've been out for almost two days."

He nodded slowly, closing his eyes.

"So," I knew I'd have to bring it up sooner or later, so, choosing sooner, I asked, "What happened that day?", making it glaringly obvious which day I was talking about.

I immediately knew I had hit a nerve. Even if I hadn't, the sharp intake of breath made it obvious.

Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something, but seemed to think better of it.

"Sirius?" I prompted.

"I said it was a mistake." He said harshly.

I waited, knowing that he was holding back.

A beat passed. A sigh, and then, "I don't know what to do. My parents," another spat word, "are too controlling. They can do whatever they want, bribe whoever they want, and never get caught. Resistance is futile. Remus is still in a coma…"

"He's awake." I interrupted. "He woke up today."

"And," he continued, as if I hadn't spoken, "He won't talk to me about anything, and so I can't talk to him. James and Lily are too occupied with each other, and you're not my personal counselor, or anything. I'm alone in the world, and nothing matters anymore. I got a letter yesterday saying Regulus died. He tried to betray Voldemort, and got killed. The one time he listens to me, it's the worst advice I could've ever given. I as good as killed him."

'So that's why he really ran out of Transfiguration that day…' I mused, shaking myself from my thoughts to the more pressing matter at hand.

"You didn't kill him. He realized that he was in the wrong, and tried to fix it. Helping put him on the right path is the best thing you could've done. And what idiot told you that you were alone? I don't think Remus is shutting you out, though. I think he's scared of hurting you, and don't you feel the same way? You don't want to put pressure on anyone, right? I know for a fact that James is never going to be too busy to talk to you. Do you have any idea how worried he's been? He's been sitting there, either next to you or Remus for the last few days. He's done his homework, for Merlin's sake! Same for Lily. And how many times do I have to tell you that I'm always here for you? For anything. And y'know, I get it. I get not wanting help because you can be self-sufficient and survive. But the point of life isn't to survive. It's to live, and to enjoy it. You're like my brother, and it kills me to see you hurting, but even more when you try to hide it."

I was about to be interrupted again, but I lifted my hand up for a minute so I could finish my rant. "And no, we're not too busy worrying over Remus. You're just as important, and we all need each other to function. Remember when Remus was in a coma, and everything was really off and subdued? It's that way without you, too. The world would be a horrible place without you. For all we know, you could cure Lycanthropy or something!"

I could see tears glistening behind his curtain of hair, before he smiled sadly. "That's the thing, though. You **don't** get it. No one does."  
"What don't I get?" I asked. "Feeling suicidal? Like no one cares? Like it's all meaningless? Cutting? Depression? Anxiety? Family issues?'

He nodded. "All of the above. And you never will, because you don't have those kinds of issues. Your life's perfect. Great grades, great family, Head Girl, supportive friends, and all of it."  
I laughed bitterly. "Is that what you think? You think I haven't sit at the edge of the tower, wondering what would happen if I jumped? You think I don't have panic attacks literally every time someone raises their voice? You think I haven't lived through months and years of numbness, staring at the blade, and feeling the voices argue, wondering who'd win, and whether I'd be safe for another day? Because I have, and I still do. The only difference now is that there's a what if. There are people I keep living for, even and especially when I can't do it for myself. And you're one of those people, so we have to do it together." And, in reality, it felt good, saying all of that, because I hadn't in years. I couldn't, especially when there were people with darker nights than mine. Take Remus. He was always so sweet and supportive, even when **he** needed that support.

And, I knew, when I wrapped my arms around my best friend, desperately holding tight, that everything would be alright. The only problem was believing it.

 **Omg, omg, omg! The reviews I've gotten in the last week are so absolutely amazing! I've had a really, really, really long week, and these reviews keep me going and writing, so thank you! I'm sorry if I haven't gotten to replying yet, but I have a lot of assignments due soon, and exams coming up. I'll reply as soon as I can. In the meantime, here's the next chapter. I hope you like it! :)**


	11. She Was Gone and So Was My Cloak

It was a Friday, almost the end of the week, and the excitement of another weekend was in the air. Remus and I were, as usual, yelling at the rest of the lazy Marauders to study, and James was mocking Remus, imitating a high-pitched goody-two-shoes voice, and mouthing the words to the speech we had given about a million times since first year, to no avail. 'Oh, well,' I thought. 'At least Lily listened.' I laughed internally. Since we **had** given this speech since first year, we should have known that we only did it for tradition's sake, knowing fully well that it was useless. Sirius was sitting there, sullenly, but pretending to be cheery, ('Oh, Merlin, did he not recall the conversation we had two days ago?!') and Peter, back and uninformed of the previous week's events, was also there, hurriedly eating the last of his breakfast. Suddenly, a spark danced on the edge of Sirius's cup of coffee, and it rained upwards into a cloud of others that had appeared. 'This would be entertaining,' I thought, and had a silent conversation with James, as the fireworks played marching band music that was largely unfamiliar to the European population of Hogwarts, being of the American sort.

'Do you think it'll work?' Me.

'Hopefully. He can't just sit there forever.' That was James, talking about Sirius.

'I _really_ hope this works.' Remus.

'Me too,' added Lily.

We looked over, trying to be inconspicuous.

Sirius smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, which were currently a dull grey; numb. Instead of laughing or teasing the rest of us for an amateur prank (we had done the fireworks in third year, but we _were_ in a hurry), Sirius stood up abruptly, and left the Great Hall.

'So, it hadn't worked,' I thought, my question answered. Lily quickly followed Sirius, being good at giving advice. The rest of us continued eating breakfast as if nothing had happened, but everyone knew that we were just waiting for news. "Remus, could you please pass me the tea?"

He nodded, reaching across the table, when his sleeves rolled up, showcasing angry red lines on his arms.

I caught James looking the same time that I did; he winced, and shot me a sad look. I raised my eyebrows, and slightly shook my head. There was no point in discussing it here.

We went to our next lesson, Arithmancy, while still wondering where Lily and Sirius were, and what exactly was taking so long. About halfway through the lesson, Lily ran in, her face tear-stained and clothes damp, and told Professor Smith that Professor McGonagall needed us. Professor Smith frowned for a moment, as McGonagall wasn't my Head of House, but she let us go. Remus had gone to tell James, who was in the restroom, while Lily and I went to Gryffindor Tower.

"What happened?" I asked. Lily was not usually one to cry.

She shook her head, leaving me more confused.

We silently walked up the staircase to McGonagall's office. We went in to see Professor McGonagall's mouth set in a grim line. In a shaky voice, she said, "Please accompany me to the hospital wing. I have already sent a Patronus to Mr. Lupin." Following her, I wondered yet again what had happened.

We reached there before Remus and James, only to see a curtain around one of the beds. McGonagall went to talk to another Gryffindor in the Hospital Wing. Wordlessly, Lily sank into one of the chairs, and I tried to find Madam Pomfrey to explain WHAT happened, if no one else could tell me. She was in her office, and I asked, "What happened, and where's Sirius?"

"Mr. Black..." At this point, I cringed, knowing fully well how Sirius hated being called that. "...tried to commit suicide."

'Merlin,' I thought.

With a voice that probably betrayed the fast pace of my heart, I asked, "What did he do?"

At this, Madam Pomfrey put a hand on my shoulder. "You sure you'll be okay hearing it?" I nodded, knowing she was talking about my own failed suicide attempt last year, which only James and Remus knew about, having caught me.

"He jumped off the Astronomy Tower, but by some stroke of luck, landed in the lake. Ms. Evans was near the shore of the lake, and pulled him out."

I ran over to where Lily was sitting, and wrenched open the curtains.

I had prepared myself for the worst, but it was still a shock seeing Sirius's broken body there, eyes closed. He was bruised all over and his hair was completely tangled. He'd hate it if he was conscious. "Lily?" I asked. "You okay?" I was still confused as to what had happened, but I didn't know whether I should press her for information. Luckily, she decided to tell me herself.

"Merlin, Luna, I thought he died. He was sitting on the Astronomy Tower, and I was outside on the grounds; I used a featherlight charm, to get there before him, and he jumped, but then a Bludger from the Hufflepuffs' Quidditch practice rammed into him, and he landed in the lake!" Lily was hysterical by now, and Madam Pomfrey used that as an opportunity to give her a Calming Draught. I told everyone I'd go talk to James and Remus, and walked out of the Hospital Wing, still trying to process today's events. I found the boys outside of McGonagall's office, and told them what had happened as we walked to where the others were. By the time I was finished, Remus's face was white, and his hands were shaking.

Then James asked, "Remus? Are you okay?"

This pushed him over the edge. He stopped walking abruptly, and just froze, before dropping to the ground, his head in his hands. Suddenly, the bell rang, dismissing classes. James and I exchanged a worried look, as was the custom these days.

James spoke again, softly. "Alright, Remus. The halls are going to swarm with students in a minute or two, and you're in no state to get up, -don't look at me like that, you're not- so Luna and I are going to move you, okay? We're going to carry you to somewhere more secluded." Remus nodded his assent, ever so slightly, but it was there, and we saw it. "Right."

We both grabbed under one of Remus's arms, and lifted him to the entrance of the Ravenclaw Common Room. I hastily brushed aside the question and said an answer that must have been correct, for the door let us through, and helped James haul Remus inside, to a deserted nook.

"I can't breathe," Remus moaned, still clutching his face.

I took charge of the situation. "Right. James, could you get a glass of water, please?" James ran off to do just that. Meanwhile, I sat next to Remus on the window seat, wrapping my arm around him. He was still shaking. "Re," I said softly. "What's going on?"

"I can't breathe," he repeated.

"Are you having a panic attack?"

He nodded, and I gently rubbed circles into his back, knowing he craved touch to feel grounded.

"Can you match my breath? Just try, okay?" I inhaled loudly, breathing in for four counts, holding for four, exhaling for four, and repeating. A couple of times later, Remus finally relaxed, burying his face in my shoulder. "You okay?" I asked. He nodded slowly. "Take your time. We don't have to leave right now. Sirius isn't going anywhere." He just nodded again. James raised his eyebrows in a silent question. I nodded, whispering, "He's fine." Then, directing this to Remus, I said, "Re, we don't have to visit him right now, if you're not up to it. Just let me know, no hurry."

"I want to," he said.

James nodded. "Can you walk, now, mate?" he asked.

Remus said, "Yeah… Sorry about that."

James spluttered something about friendship and brothers, but I said, "Remus, remember that night? You were there for me, right? We're here for you."

He smiled, and we started walking toward the Hospital Wing. Then James asked, "So… How's it going with the cutting?" Then he hastily added, "If you want to talk about it, of course. But we're not pressing."

Remus sighed. "Not good," he said in a small voice.

"Yeah?" James asked.

"Yeah. I want to stop, but then something happens, and I come back to the blade."

"Ah," said James.

 **James's POV:**

Over the next few days, we became a constant in the Hospital Wing, visiting Sirius, who wasn't allowed to leave for at least a week. We were all there a lot, but Luna seemed to think it was her fault that this had happened. She didn't leave for meals, and would go in at every opportunity. Honestly, we were getting worried about her. We decided that if she didn't go back to normal in the next day, we'd confront her, we being Remus, Lily, Sirius, and me. When we went the next day, Luna was already there, holding Sirius's hand (in a platonic best-friend way) and saying, "Y'know, I'm really sorry about all this." Lily rolled her eyes, muttering something about idiots and best friends. When it was time for dinner, Lily dragged Remus out to give me a chance to make sure Luna actually joined us. As we were getting ready to leave for the Great Hall, she just sat back down with a textbook. "Luna? Aren't you coming to dinner?" I asked.

She shrugged, "I'm not really hungry."

"When was the last time you ate?" She was starting to scare me. If I could've used one word to describe her at the moment, I'd use numb. She seemed so disconnected from the rest of us.

She shrugged again. "Maybe a couple of days ago?"

I raised my eyebrows. "You said you wouldn't let it get this bad again. Sleep?" Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Luna had her limits, too, considering how much she mother-henned us.

Another shrug. "Maybe a week ago? And if you don't mind, I think I'm going to go change." She stood up and swayed alarmingly. "Merlin, I'm so dizzy." With my Quidditch reflexes, I caught her before she hit the ground. I guided her back to the chair.

"Just sit down. I'm getting Madam Pomfrey."

Luna started to protest, but I shook my head. I stepped into Madam Pomfrey's office, and told her what had happened, to which she only said, "That girl… She takes care of everyone but herself." Then she followed me, and told Luna that if she didn't look after herself better she'd face a stay in the Hospital Wing. She also gave her a Calibration Draught, and told her to go to dinner. However, when I turned around, she was gone, and so was my cloak.


	12. Apology and Author's Note

**A/N: Okay, okay… I know it had been forever since I posted… I'm really sorry! I honestly don't have a good excuse, but I promise that I'll be on more often now. Apparently getting into your dream school is good motivation! Haha… But seriously (siriusly), thank you to whoever has stuck with this story through my infrequent posting and nonexistant plotline and the fact that 'THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY WOLFSTAR!' Sorry, that was my best friend. And, I just want to let you all know that there** _ **will**_ **be Wolfstar soon! Maybe not in the next chapter, but definitely soon!**


	13. Not the Best Full Moon

**A/N: So, I'm guessing from the insistent PMs saying "WOLFSTAR!" that y'all want some of it? Well, never fear, because I finally (FINALLY) wrote some (on threat of being murdered, lol)! So, here you go!**

 **Luna's POV:**

I waited for the ideal opportunity to escape. Having grabbed James's invisibility cloak, I put it over me as soon as he turned around, and opened the door to make it look like I had left. Then, I went back to my chair, and grinned.

I was pretty confident that no one would suspect where I was, until Sirius said, "You can come out now."

Rolling my eyes, I grinned. We'd been best friends for long enough to intercept each other.

"So. how're you doing?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he said.

 **Sirius's POV:**

"I'm fine," I said, wanting to change the subject. "What happened earlier?"

She blushed, obviously ashamed. "Nothing."

I raised my eyebrows. "Come on, you can tell me."

"I said it was nothing!"

I was shocked. She rarely yelled, and I had only ever seen her do it once before.

"Sorry," she said, immediately.

I nodded. "It's fine. I shouldn't have pushed it anyway."

 **Time skip by a week…**

 **Still Sirius's POV:**

Madam Pomfrey finally released me before dinner on the night of the full moon. James cheered, and insisted we celebrate with treacle tart, and Peter butted in with "We have treacle tart every day." Lily just laughed at their antics. However, Moony and Luna weren't at dinner. I heard from James that they were in the dorms, but no one knew why. 'Oh well,' I thought. We'd find out later. Besides, they were probably preparing for tonight.

 **Meanwhile, up in the dorms:**

 **Luna's POV:**

Remus and I had elected to skip dinner, having gone to the Kitchens earlier. "So," I said. "We have about an hour and a half before we go down. Do you want to play a game?"

"Why not? Gobstones?"

Remus ended up winning, and the others finally came upstairs to find Remus doing an obscure victory dance (trust me, you didn't want to see it) that looked more like some cannibal ritual, and me siphoning goop off my face and hair with my wand. As Sirius remarked with a poker face, I looked the best I ever had. This led to general laughter, and then a panicked statement from Peter that we HAD to go down, now!

"Shit," Sirius said, his face white.

We all racked our brains for what we could do. The moon was rising, and we needed to get Remus out. In the end, it was Lily who came up with the idea.

"Just tie a bandana around his eyes. He can't see the moon that way, and we still have time until it rises completely, so he won't begin the transformation."

We agreed that James, Peter, and Sirius would go down to the Shrieking Shack and I would take Remus there, blindfolded. Then I would return to the Dorms, and Lily and I would have a Girl's Night In.

I hung back a moment before we left to talk to Sirius. "You up for it?"

He nodded tiredly.

"Be careful, okay?" I squeezed his shoulder, and he smiled slightly before joining James and Peter. Five minutes later, a stag Patronus came up with, "It's time."

Remus sighed, and I tied the blindfold around his eyes. Then, we started to go down.

"Ready?" I asked.

He nodded, albeit shakily.

"Cool. It'll be fine," I said, not only to quell my own anxiety, but Remus's as well.

Halfway to the Shack, I teased, "You know, I should really let you crash into a wall for Gobstones today."

He laughed, calling my bluff.

Once we reached, Peter pressed the knot on the Whomping WIllow to allow us through. I turned into my Animagus form, a small black cat with a white crescent moon on my forehead (Sirius had jokingly complained for ages, as he was a dog, and I was a cat), and meowed so Remus would follow me. As soon as he was through, I turned back, wished them luck, and left. It wasn't that Remus didn't trust me to watch the transformation, but I was valuable in helping to stabilize him the next morning as a Healer, and I couldn't afford to get injured during the full moon. Besides, James and Sirius were more than enough to keep the wolf in check. It helped that Moony was terrified of hurting Padfoot, and was tamer since they had started dating.

Going back up, I was considerably more relieved. It was nice, having a night with just me and Lily. We played Muggle board games, and talked lightheartedly. And for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

The next morning, Lily shook me awake. "We have to go down to the Shack."

"Right. And you had to wake me up in the middle of a dream where I was snogging James?"

"What?!" she asked, playfully punching me.

"Relax," I retreated. "I'm kidding. As if."

She laughed.

We quickly stopped by the Kitchens for coffee, Lily **absolutely** not being a morning person. Then, we went down to the Shack. It had become custom for me to heal Remus's major injuries the morning after the full moon, while Madam Pomfrey later took care of the more complex ones. James and Peter walked out, and left with Lily. I knocked to announce my presence, and called, "Can I come in?"

"One second," a voice called, evidently Sirius's.

"Yeah, sure," I said.

 **Sirius's POV:**

When I woke up, Remus was crying. This immediately raised red flags, and I was worried. I also noticed that he had scratched up where his werewolf number was tattooed in silver. His skin was bloody, and it would definitely scar. I wondered if that was his purpose for doing it. I didn't really understand self-harm, though I knew that Luna had struggled with it a while back, and Remus did now. The former said that it was good, me not understanding it, but not in a mean way. She was scared that I'd do it, but I wouldn't. I sighed, and got up from the floor of the Shrieking Shack. "Rem?"

"Siri?" he blinked back tears.

"Yeah, I'm here. What's wrong?"

"I don't want to be a werewolf anymore," he whimpered.

"I know," I whispered. "It's gonna be okay." I took his hands, keeping them away from his skin. "Don't do that to yourself."

"Siri, make it hurt less." It was horrible, seeing my boyfriend in so much pain. Honestly, I'd take it if it would free him from his burden. I pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead, as if it would take the pain away.

There was a knock on the door. "Can I come in?" That was Luna.

"One second!" I called. "Rem?" I whispered. "Can Luna come in?"

He nodded, facing away.

"You can come in now," I said.

Immediately, the door creaked open.

"Hey," she said, announcing herself, before mouthing, 'How was it?' to me.

I shrugged pointing at Remus's arm.

She nodded. 'You good?'

I shrugged again.

'Siriiiiiii,' she complained. 'At least answer…?'

'I'm fine,' I mouthed. 'Ribs a little sore, but no more than any other full moon. Remus first.'

She nodded. "Hey, Remmy. How are you?"

"Okay," he said, still not facing her.

"Anything to heal?"

I looked pointedly at his upper arm, and she shot me a look. 'I know… I'm trying to get him to talk.'

He pointed to his arm. "Did you do this?" she asked softly, already knowing the answer.

He nodded, still looking away.

"Can I heal it?" she asked in the same tone.

Another nod, except this time he turned around. I gasped, even though I had seen him a few minutes ago. He looked terrible. His face was tear-stained, and hair ruffled as if it had been attacked. His eyes were sunken in, and stared hollowly, as if he didn't really see us. Luna was better at showing her surprise, conveying with a glance at me, 'What happened?! He looks horrible!' On the outside, she just ignored his appearance. "Ready, Remus? I'm going to start with your arm, then do everything else."

"Okay," he said, his voice small.

"Episkey." Then, she proceeded to heal the bruises and scratches. When she was done, she turned to me. "Your turn."

When that was done, we retrieved our stuff and left the Shack. Remus walked ahead of us, so Luna and I had a silent conversation. Remus's heightened senses would have picked up on it if we had whispered.

'What the hell happened?! He looks like death warmed over!' That was Luna.

'It was a pretty bad moon.' At her raised eyebrows, I continued. 'When I woke up, he was crying, trying to scratch out the tattoo, to escape from his own skin.' For a moment, she looked confused, but then realization dawned on her, and she looked horrified.

She sighed, moving forward to tap Remus's shoulder gently. He slowed so she could fall in step with him. "How was last night?"

"Fine."

"Remus. If you don't want to talk, say so, but please don't lie. Not to me."

"It wasn't the worst."

"But not the best."

A nod.


	14. The Nightmare

**Luna's POV:**

Monday found me crying, sitting on the window-seat in the Gryffindor Boys' Dorms. I wasn't really sure why I hadn't gone to my own room, or why I wasn't in class. Oh, well. I didn't make a habit of skipping, but I felt that it was justified today. I was so damn tired, and I didn't know why. As I had so cleverly deduced, something was wrong. Something I couldn't place. There must have been, if I couldn't go five minutes without crying. Then, everything went black.

I woke up (Who knew how long?) later, in the middle of a nightmare. In it, Lucius Malfoy had done… unmentionable things. It had felt so real, and it had seemed to have happened on Saturday night. Or rather, early Sunday morning, after the party for the Quidditch match (Gryffindor vs. Slytherin) had ended. Gryffindor had won, with its amazing synchronization. But, back to the nightmare. He had-No. I couldn't think about that. I had the eerie feeling that it had actually happened.

But, if it had truly had, it would have made everything else make more sense. Like why Sirius kept looking at me like _that_. Worried, and pityingly. But he hadn't brought anything up yet. And it **couldn't** have been real. It was just a dream. Right?

I was lost in thought, when James burst in through the door, saying, "Get your lazy arse up! Ravenclaw has Quidditch practice today!"

When I didn't answer, he grabbed me by the arms and pulled me off of the seat. Whatever he had expected couldn't have been me starting to claw at my arms. I **had** to get rid of the offending skin. The skin that had been touched-STOP. Why couldn't my brain stop remembering that?! James's eyes widened in alarm, as he grabbed my hands in a desperate attempt to get me to stop. I resisted, and ended up scratching his hand. Immediately, I went limp, my head in my arms with a sob, as James ran back through the door. I had scared him off.

 **James's POV:**

I didn't know what had happened back there, but it was terrifying. I wasn't used to seeing calm, collected Luna lose it. I needed to get help. Racking my brains, I decided to get Sirius. I knew he was better at dealing with this kind of stuff than me. I could help talk things out, but judging by Luna's reaction, I didn't think she'd be talking. So, I ran. All the way back to Potions with Old Sluggy, where the rest of the lot were. "Sirius! You have to go to the tower! Luna…" He nodded, cutting me off, as if he already knew what had happened, and ran. I hung back with the others. Remus and Lily looked at me questioningly, and Peter was… Well, Peter... Oblivious as always. I shook my head, still trying to figure out what exactly had happened.

 **Sirius's POV:**

James had rushed down in a hurry. Something had to have been very wrong, because James rarely ran. Unless it was for Quidditch practice. I had a hunch, and it was proven right when he mentioned Luna. I swore. It **had** to have been related to what had happened this weekend. After the Quidditch match, in which we obviously beat the Slytherins, there was a massive afterparty in the Room of Requirement. Unfortunately, whoever was the last to arrive forgot to wish a lock. That meant that a couple of Slytherins had snuck in, namely Lucius Malfoy and my dear cousin Bellatrix. Anyway, we had decided to just leave them be until they caused trouble. Soon after, I realized something was off. Luna, who never drinks, was acting strangely giddy, and **drunk**. Her hand was in Malfoy's, and she just giggled. Now, this was when I got scared. We all knew that no one tried to ask her out. Last time someone had tried, she had hexed him so badly that he wouldn't even approach her. So, I began to discreetly follow the odd couple. Another problem. Any other day, intuitive Luna would've noticed. But she didn't. Then, they disappeared. I searched, and found them a bit later in an isolated room with the door closed. What were they doing in there?! I found out as soon as I pushed the door open. That bastard was touching her! Naturally, I hexed him, and pulled her out by the hand. We stopped the party early, and by then, whatever he had mixed into her drink had worn off. We had gone up to the dorms, and she just sat there, frozen, all night, as if one move would make her relive what had happened.

I snapped myself out off the flashback as I pulled open the door. Sure enough, there was Luna, on the floor in a heap, head in hands. I sat down next to her, and couldn't help noticing how she flinched. She never did that with me. 'Well,' I thought. 'We were back at square one.' "Hey. It's me." I said. 'Maybe she thought I was James for a second?' She just nodded, and finally spoke for the first time in two days.

"I know."

I moved a little closer, gently pulling her arms where I could see exactly what had happened. She complied wordlessly, eyes hollow. I winced when I saw the bloody gashes. "What happened?"

"Nightmare."

" **Those** happened because of a nightmare?"

"Someone…" she paused. "Who am I hiding from? Not like it's Peter. I can tell you anything, right?"

I nodded. "Anything."

"Lucius Malfoy, you know him, right? In the nightmare, he… Well, you know." She blushed, looking down. "And I know it sounds paranoid, but I think it might have actually happened, and then James grabbed my arms just like **he** had! And I lost control completely! I scratched James! He didn't even know!"

"Relax." I tried to make my voice as soothing as possible. "It's James. He'll understand, and besides, it's not a big deal. Any of us can just 'Episkey' it." I proceeded to tell the story of what had happened that night. Luna was, predictably, crying.

"I drank! I swore I wouldn't! And I was powerless against him. He told me that if I didn't let him do… Then he'd kill you guys."

"You were drugged. There's a difference. And besides, you think **Malfoy** could get the better of **me**?

She shrugged. "Rumor has it that he and Narcissa have taken the mark."

"What?! Narcissa? She's my cousin! And she's marrying Lucius! They'll probably just arrest me too, for being related to them!"

Luna put a hand on my arm. "No, they won't. Everyone knows that you were disowned, and besides, you're definitely on the Light Side. Yes, I know she's your cousin. That's why I didn't mention it to you."


	15. Not the Magic Kind

**Luna's POV:**

I woke up to a crash. Then a curse. (The swearing kind, not the magic one.) I bolted upright. "What?"

"Go back to sleep," a familiar voice said.

Ignoring whoever that was, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

"I'm up already. What time's it?"

"Uh… 'Tempus.' It's 3:43 am," said the same voice.

I nodded. "'Lumos.'"

When my eyes had adjusted to the light, and I had put my glasses on, I realized that the blurry human-sized shape was Sirius.

"Couldn't sleep?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Stupid full moons. Every time, I tell you, I manage to die."

I raised my brows, and he whined, "Stupid betraying body…"

Laughing softly, I asked, "Were you looking for a potion, then?"

He nodded.

"Y'know, I think I might be out. Let me check the emergency stash."

I asked Misty to bring my my trunk, for I was NOT going to go anywhere alone in the dead of night (or early morning), especially after recent events. Rifling through its contents, I found that I needed to restock several potions, including Pepper Up, and Butterfly Weed Balm, of which I had one left. I tossed it over to Sirius, who gave me a grateful smile.

"So," I ventured. "How's it going?"

A shrug. "Okay…"

I waited.

"Exhausting."

I took in the dark circles under his eyes and the fact that he was swaying, unable to stay upright, and asked, "When was the last time you slept?"

He shrugged. "A while ago?"

"Oh, Sirius. Go to sleep."

"Fi-..." He drifted off before he could finish the word.

I smiled.

 **A/N: Okay, so I got a LOT of questions on the last chapter. First of all, I do kind of know what I'm talking about in it. I know it's deep. It reveals a lot about me. Second, I don't think you have the right to question my writing. Especially stuff like this. I can write about it if I want to, and what you think (You know who you are.) does NOT matter. Whew. So, that's out of the way. If you're not the very rude commenter, I hope you're enjoying the story! Please review if you liked it, and even if you didn't like it. Constructive criticism is always welcome!**

 **And now, I have announcements! * "Announcements, announcements, announcements. A terrible way to die, a terrible way to die, a terrible way to dieee, a terrible way to die. Words of wisdom, words of wisdom. Here they come, here they come. Many words of wisdom, many words of wisdom. Dun dun dun. Dun dun dun," sounds in the background… * Most of you have no idea what in procrastination that was, lol. ANYWAYS, I'd like to congratulate myself. (Selfish, right?) I've reached 50 pages in Docs, size 12 font. I'm so happy! Next of all, I'd like to ann-Nope. I didn't say the dreaded "a-word." I'd like to tell you all about my unofficial beta, who is also my best friend. Let's call her… Oh, I don't know… PICK A NAME, BETA! She proofreads entire chapters before I post them. So, a round of applause for her, please! Yep, that's about it for the ann-(NOT AGAIN!), lol. Thanks for reading, and as always, more is coming soon! :)**


	16. The Story of Them

**Flashback:**

 _It was a Hogsmeade weekend in October of this year. Life was about the same as now, except a lot less dangerous, for Voldemort wasn't as active. Another difference was that Remus and Sirius weren't a couple yet. Anyways, it was a Hogsmeade weekend, so there was general chaos, because the third years hadn't yet been to the village. They were running around excitedly. "Must be nice to not have to worry about the future of the world… Or even if there's going to BE a future…" Remus had said, voicing my thoughts. James and Lily were going on their second date, and Sirius was with some 6th year Gryffindor I wasn't familiar with. Remus, Peter, and I were content to just walk around and browse. Filch stood in front of the doors, glaring at our group. "It's time to go."_

 _Well, it had been pretty normal for a Hogsmeade weekend, and we all made our way back exhaustedly, except Sirius. We thought nothing of it, thinking that he and his date would come back later. Even then, there had been a thought gnawing at the back of my conscience. 'These were dangerous times… Should we really have left them there alone?'_

' _You're worrying too much again,' the small voice in my head (the one I did NOT like) said. I listened, and tried not to worry. 'They'd be fine.'_

 _So, when Sirius turned up in the portrait hole at midnight, I betrayed the voice, and asked, "Where the hell WERE you?!"_

 _I noticed that he didn't even look at me._

 _Something was wrong._

 _His eyes were darting around the room as if he had never seen it before._

 _He blinked._

" _Hey! Are you guys having fun without me?" he said, cheerily._

 _Remus and I exchanged uneasy looks. "What's wrong with him?"_

" _I have no idea."_

" _Should we take him to Pomfrey?"_

" _I think we should wait a bit."_

 _Remus nodded._

" _Why're you guys ignoring me? I said we should have some fun! We're best friends, right?"_

" _Yeah…"_

 _I nudged Remus. "You think he's drunk?"_

 _He shook his head. "Don't think so… He doesn't usually drink."_

 _Of course, I knew that._

" _Then, what IS wrong with him? Cause there is something VERY wrong."_

 _He shrugged._

 _I turned around to take another look at Sirius, whose eyes were VERY glassy, almost like he had been hit with the Imperius Curse, and saw that he was spinning around like mad._

 _Then, stopping abruptly, he ran to the bathroom._

" _You want to go after him?" I asked Remus._

 _He nodded. "Best do it."_

 _Five minutes later, he emerged without Sirius. "He's throwing up."_

 _I followed him back, and saw that that was indeed true._

" _I think he took something," I said._

 _Remus raised his eyebrows. "Like what?"_

 _I shrugged. "Drugs?"_

 _He nodded. "Probably. I can't believe he was so stupid! We were all so worried, and he does all these reckless things, and what if something happened to him?!…" He buried his face in his hands. "Anyway, I'll just leave now."_

" _I.. Don't think he can hear us right now. So, you can talk freely."_

 _Remus sighed. "Why does he do this stuff?"_

 _I shrugged. "You really care for him, don't you? And it_ _ **is**_ _terrifying. I don't think he gets how much he scares us."_

 _A nod. "How could I not? But we all know it could never happen."_

" _Why?" I asked._

" _Because." He stopped for a minute, trying to collect his straggling thoughts. "He was literally just on a date with a_ _ **girl**_ _. And besides, he's so bloody_ _ **oblivious**_ _."_

 _I just laughed, having already seen the way Sirius looked at Remus. "You never know. Speaking of oblivious, are you sitting here all night with us, then?"_

 _He shook his head. "Not my turn."_

 _I laughed again. "Somehow, I always get stuck babysitting."_

 _ **The next morning:**_

 _ **Sirius's POV:**_

 _I woke up in my bed, despite my last memory from last night being the bathroom tile._

 _Why the bathroom tile?_

 _I got up, and immediately stumbled._

 _Why was I so disoriented?_

 _Then I remembered._

 _The white pill that my date had given me. How_ _ **happy**_ _I had been._

 _And a dream. Remus had returned my feelings.._

 _It was only a dream. He didn't love me the same way I loved him. He only loved me as a friend. He with the long eyelashes and the baggy jumpers and the-Stop. He doesn't care._

 _I decided that I wanted to take more of those pills. I'd take them if it meant Remus would care. If my friends would remember that I existed. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I feel like they expect me to be happy all the time, and it's so draining. I need to be perfect, and I wasn't right now. Not after this summer, when I had finally run away. I had gone to James's, but I felt like I was being too much of a burden. No matter. I'd get my own place once I was of age._

 _I vowed to get more of-What did she call them? Ecstasy, I think. They made me feel_ _ **happy**_ _, something I hadn't felt for a while._

 _The door opened, and sunlight poured in. I instinctively covered my eyes._

" _Sirius? Are you awake?" Luna asked._

" _Yeah, why?"_

" _Do you have any idea how much you scared us last night, taking drugs like that? Remus was terrified. Please don't do stuff like that. For him."_

 _I sighed, knowing I was fighting a losing battle. "You know, I actually liked it. I forgot all about the war and my parents and that Remus doesn't care about me!"_

" _Sirius, you know that wasn't happiness. It was artificial. And, besides, drugs are an escape. What's really wrong?"_

 _She knew me way too well._

" _He's never going to like me the way I like him. And I can't be perfect anymore. Everyone needs me to be something different, and I'm stretched way too thin."_

 _She sighed. "Talk to him. And who said you have to be perfect?"_

" _Me?"_

" _I'm telling you that you_ _ **don't**_ _have to. Now, go talk to him, for Merlin's sake!"_

 _I did. And I told him everything I had held back since this summer. That I was terrified because I was in_ _ **love**_ _with him. And I had run away this summer after a disastrous visit home. I tried to avoid thinking about that, but I had to tell him. I told him about my parents' reactions and how nothing was enough to make me happy lately and how I was so_ _ **tired**_ _of everything. I told him and he listened and then his lips met mine and it was like nothing I had ever experienced anymore and I found bliss. I found happiness, and Remus and I threw away the bottle of little white pills and he said that he'd make sure I'd never have a reason to use those again. And then Luna walked in._

" _Have you talked to him yet?"_

 _And she found us with our lips still touching. She threw up her hands in exasperation and said to the stars, "_ _ **Finally**_ _!" Then she left, and I pulled Remus (My boyfriend!) into a hug and said,_

" _Thank you."_

 _And he just smiled that adorable, amazing smile of his, and smirked._

" _Anytime."_


	17. Truth or Dare

**Luna's POV:**

"Truth or Dare," he asked.

"Truth."

"What was your first impression of me?"

I had to think about this one.

 **Flashback:**

 _First year. We were so young. And untainted. I was in the Gryffindor Common Room, studying for a Potions Exam with Lily and Severus-Snape. He wasn't Severus anymore._

 _Lily and I were trying to figure out how many times we needed to stir a potion and whether the counterclockwise ending would enhance it or not. It did._

 _Then there was the yelling. "Don't touch me! Or my hair! Just leave me alone, or I'll hex you!"_

 _Severus raised his eyebrows. "Vain, much?" he asked sardonically. Lily shrugged, and I shook my head._

" _I'm sure there was something-." I never did find out what I was going to say. A pair of angry footsteps sounded, and a tall boy with long black hair ran down the stairs, tear tracks running down his cheeks._

" _It's him," Severus said. "The idiot. What's his name again? Oh, right, he's the Black disappointment."_

" _Sev," Lily chided._

 _He ran out the portrait hole. I didn't know what I was doing (For Merlin's sake, I didn't even know him!), but I ran after him._

 _He finally stopped in a secluded corner, and slumped to the ground._

" _Sirius?" I asked. "Are you okay?"_

 _He looked up, startled. "Who are you?" He tried to back up, but there was nowhere to go._

" _Luna. Luna Mist."  
He nodded. "Ravenclaw, right?"_

" _Yeah. You okay?" I asked again._

 _Sirius shrugged._

 _I hastily changed the subject, somehow knowing that he wouldn't open up just yet. We talked about a lot of stuff that day, life included. When I was sure I had revealed enough about myself so that we weren't complete strangers, I asked, "What happened?"_

 _He sighed. "James, he's my best mate, right? We were talking, and I accidentally called someone a Mudblood, and before I knew it, he's hitting me, and pulling my hair, and I just can't take it."_

 _I nodded. "Why'd you call them that? Not that what he did is excusable…"_

 _He blushed, clearly ashamed. "I honestly didn't know that Mudblood wasn't the actual word until a couple days ago, so it's really easy to slip up."_

" _Oh. You know I'm Muggleborn, right?"_

 _He nodded, quickly adding, "I don't think it's bad or anything. I've just grown up in an environment where they aren't particularly loved, but I have nothing against them."_

 _Honestly, gossip went around Hogwarts_ _ **very**_ _quickly, so I already knew about his messed up family. And that they weren't the most caring. Or caring at all. So, I decided to leave the question I_ _ **really**_ _wanted to ask and not broach that topic just yet. "Why'd you say you'd hex James if he's your best mate?"_

 _Another blush. "I'd rather not be physically attacked, if you know what I mean. I just sorta slipped. I wasn't going to let_ _ **it**_ _happen again." In that instant I knew. I knew what he wasn't saying. What was between those lines. Then he said it out loud. "I already basically gave it away already, so I'll just tell you, though I don't know_ _ **why**_ _I'm telling you." I laughed, making a 'go-on' motion with my hand. "My life at home… Leaves a lot to be desired, you know? And I'd rather not have a repeat performance here."_

 _I wasn't sure how exactly to phrase my next question. "Is it... Really bad at home?"_

 _He waited a moment before replying, tilting his head slightly to the side. He shook his head, then said, "Yeah," in a quiet voice._

" _Are you ever in danger?"_

 _He shrugged. "Sometimes, but as long as I don't piss them off too much, it doesn't normally get that bad. Last time, though…"_

" _Oh, Sirius. You_ _ **really**_ _should tell someone,-"  
I was cut off by a vehement shake of his head, hair flying everywhere._

" _NO! I'm telling you, now, right? If I ever die, you'll know what happened."_

 _My horrified face must've given me away, because he said,_

" _I'm joking." But he wasn't. Not really._

 _I continued as if he hadn't said anything. "But, I can't tell without betraying your trust. And something tells me that it wouldn't really matter anyway?"_

 _He nodded. "My parents hold a lot of influence, so no one would believe me."_

" _Okay. But promise you'll tell me or someone else if it gets really bad?"  
He nodded._

 _I nodded, too, satisfied. "What happened with the hair thing?"_

 _This, he answered more easily. "My family is very strict on how children should look, and my dear mum cut all my hair off once, because it wasn't to her liking. She uses it as an example of why I shouldn't rebel, now." He subconsciously rubbed his head, as if feeling his mum pull at it, even now. "So, it's just kind of a touchy thing." He broke into a grin. "Literally."  
I groaned, then laughed. "Friends?"_

" _Friends."_

 **End flashback:**

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I don't think there really was an impression. More like a pull."

"That's what I felt. You know me. I wouldn't have opened up to any random stranger."  
I nodded, smiling. "Fate, then."


	18. King's Cross

**Flashback - King's Cross Station**

 _Seventh year. You could feel the excitement in the air, everyone ready for another term._

" _See you!" I called to my parents as I went through the barrier. Being Muggles, they couldn't._

 _I caught up to James, and Remus walked over to us. "So, this is it. Last year at Hogwarts. You ready?"_

 _James nodded, then shouted, "Hey, Peter! Over here!"_

 _Peter hugged his mum and came to us. Now we just had to find Sirius, although we'd probably see him on the train. It was best that his parents didn't see us talking to him._

 _I had had this foreboding feeling as soon as I had stepped onto the platform, but I shook it off. Everything was fine, right?_

 _Then, I heard it._

" _Just leave me alone!"_

" _Oh, I will. Should've just disowned you at birth. And you would do well to remember not to disgrace this family! Now, leave, filthy blood-traitor! And no, you may not go to the_ _ **bloodtraitor's**_ _house for Christmas._ _ **You**_ _are grounded."_

 _James and I shared a look. So, it had been bad this time._

 _After saying our goodbyes to Remus's and James's parents, we got on the train and filled into our usual compartment. Sirius was already there, cheek pressed against the window, eyes staring into nothingness. I hadn't even recognized him, because his face was literally white, and his neck was decorated with purple and blue bruises. Remus gasped as if someone was strangling_ _ **him**_ _, and James waved a hand in front of Sirius's face. He blinked, finally looking at him, and shook his head, as if warning us not to say anything._

" _Hey," I said, taking the seat next to him._

" _Hey." He scooted closer to the window. Subtly, but I saw it. I raised a brow, and he moved back._

" _So…"_

 _Something had to be said, but I didn't know what._

 _James, not usually known for his tact or eloquence, said,_

" _Anyways, how are you all? Long time no see."_

 _Then, Remus added,_

" _James, don't you have Head Boy things to be doing? And I have Prefect duties and Peter is coming with me, and I'll tell them you have something to do right now, Luna."_

 _I nodded, and they left._

" _So, how are you?" I asked._

 _Sirius shrugged, closing his eyes._

" _Tired?"_

 _He nodded._

" _Try to get some sleep, then. Do you want me to stay here, or do you want to be alone?"_

" _I don't care, but I'll be bad company. And could you tell them to leave me alone? They're gonna stare at me and I don't want to talk about what happened right now." He said in a small voice._

" _I need to go do the Prefect introduction as Head Girl, but I'll come back to check on you in about half an hour, okay? And I'll tell them not to stare. That's for James to do, but it's usually reserved for Lily."_

 _There was a small laugh and a tired nod._

 _I left the compartment, and noticed the rest of them standing outside, careful not to be seen._

" _Well?" James asked._

" _He doesn't want to talk about it right now and he's trying to sleep, so don't bother him. James, Remus, and I will be back in about half an hour, so could you stay with him, Peter?"_

 _Peter said, "Actually, I need to meet up with my girlfriend, but then I'll go back."_

 _I nodded. "Okay."_

 _Thirty minutes later, the new Prefects knew what to do, so James went to talk to Lily, who I knew_ _ **finally**_ _liked him back, and I went to go check on Sirius._

 _I knocked on the compartment door. Hearing no response, I went in._

 _Sirius was sitting where I had left him, awake, and crying._

 _I sighed. We could actually help him if he_ _ **told**_ _us what had happened._

" _Sirius?" He looked up, startled._

" _Sorry about that. Are you okay?"_

" _Fine."_

" _Really?"_

" _Yeah."_

" _You_ _ **sure**_ _?"_

" _No. No, I'm not okay. I'm in pain and I'm_ _ **tired**_ _, and I don't want to be stared at by strangers or be humiliated in public. I want a hug, and I want to_ _ **sleep**_ _, but I can't do that without having nightmares and life is so_ _ **damn**_ _complicated and I don't know what I'm going to do if I go back there again and Merlin, I can't do this anymore and I want to pitch myself off of the Astronomy Tower to make my brain shut up. I want to ask if you could please_ _heal me, but I don't want to say it, but could you_ _ **please**_ _do it?"_

 _He said this all really fast before breaking into sobs once more. I wrapped my arm around him. "Does that fulfill at least one requirement on your list?"_

 _He nodded._

 _I pulled my wand out so I could heal his injuries, but he recoiled as soon as he saw it pointed at him._

" _Oh, sorry! I didn't think." I pointed it away. "Right, what did you need me to heal? And I promise, I won't hurt you."_

" _My neck, mainly. And my back, but could we not do that right now? Also, do you have any of that potion?"_

 _I nodded. "What happened to your back? And which potion?"_

 _He hesitantly lifted his robe up, and wordlessly turned around._

 _What I saw scared me beyond words._

 _There were gashes, the open cuts bright red against milky skin, and bruises, forming a tapestry. Whatever (Or,_ _ **whoever**_ … _) had inflicted those injuries had done it more than once, probably many times._

" _Merlin."_

 _He turned back around, and looked down, not meeting my eyes._

 _I squeezed his hand. "I can do the neck now. I think the gashes on your back are infected, so I'll ask Madam Pomfrey what to do about something like that. But Merlin, Sirius, what the hell happened?!"_

 _He shook his head._

" _Okay. Later, then. 'Episkey.'"_

 _I repeated the spell until his neck looked mostly normal._

" _Right. You know, I think you should try putting the Dittany-Murtlap mixture on your back. It should ease the pain a little and help the wounds close more quickly.."_

 _Then, as an afterthought, I added,_

" _And if or when you want to talk about it, I'm here, okay?"_

 _He nodded. "I don't know if I ever will. Do you have any of it?"_

" _Here. Do you want me to do it?"_

 _Another nod._

 _I pulled it out of my trunk, along with a few cotton balls. They were most convenient for applying potions like this one, although they were a Muggle invention._

" _It might sting a bit."_

 _He shrugged. "Not more than it did while it happened."_

 _Although it took a while, I covered all of the injured spots, pausing occasionally for the sharp intakes of breath he let out as I smoothed the salve over a particularly deep cut._

" _Better?"_

 _Sirius nodded._

 _Just then, James walked in arm-in-arm with Lily, followed by Remus and Peter._

 _Remus gave Sirius a worried look, who shook his head._

 _He then looked at me. I shrugged. I didn't know much more than he did about it. I mouthed, "Later," to him, and he nodded._

 _The rest of the train ride was more laid back. James announced that he had finally wood Lily, and the statement was met to a round of applause._

 _And Sirius didn't say anything except when someone had talked directly to him, and even then, kept it short and clipped._

 _We were all ignoring the elephant in the room (Or rather, compartment…), but really, what else could we do right now?_

 _We arrived at Hogwarts, and after the Sorting, Sirius excused himself, saying he was tired and wanted to go sleep. The rest of us quickly ate dinner, and Remus, James, and I did our duties, helped the First Years get adjusted, and then went up to the dorms._

 _Peter was already there and asleep. Some help. Lily left with James. They had patrolling to do. Remus and I had a silent conversation._

' _We can't just let it go on like this!' Him._

' _You know as well as I do that he won't tell us until he's ready.'_

' _Doesn't mean I have to like it. And I don't even want to know what happened while he was in that_ _ **hellhole.**_ _Anyways, do you want to wait up for a while with him, or should I?'_

' _I got it. Not like I sleep anyway.'_

 _He laughed silently._

' _Good night, Re.'_

' _Good night.'_

 _When I was confident he was asleep, I walked over to Sirius's bed, where he was sitting, head in hands._

" _You awake?"_

 _He nodded._

" _So…. I know you don't want to hear this, but… Maybe you should get out of there? This can't go on, Sirius. You can't just keep coming back like this. And it's not that I have a problem with healing or comforting you, but you should not be getting beat up like this."_

" _I know. Just one more set of holidays. I'll be fine."_

" _But you're not. You can't even talk about what happened! It looks like someone tried to_ _ **kill**_ _you!"_

" _They did."_

 _Silence._

" _You really want to know what happened?"_

" _I just want what's best for you. So, if right now, in this moment of time, telling me is what's best for you, then yes, I want to know. But, if it isn't, we'll wait till you're ready."_

" _Could you listen? I want to tell you. I need to."_

" _Of course. Is that even a question?"_

 _And he told me. He told me everything. About the beatings and the abuse and how he couldn't take it anymore and how Regulus told his mum that Remus was a werewolf, which she did_ _ **not**_ _take well ('The filthy half-breed!'). He told me that his dad would drink too much and come into his room with a whip and would throw things and it would be hours before he had any relief. He told me that he needed to get out, and he_ _ **would**_ _, but he couldn't leave Reg there alone, and he only had to wait until he was seventeen in November, then go back one more time to get all of his stuff. Then he would get out and never go back. I was skeptical, but what could I say?_

" _I need to know, did your dad ever curse your back?"_

 _He nodded._

" _Do you know what curse?"  
He shook his head. "Some dark magic."  
_" _Okay. We'll fix it."_

 _He nodded again._


	19. Something Had to Be Said

We were on the Hogwarts Express, ready to go home for Christmas Holidays. The rest of us were on our twentieth round of Exploding Snap, but Sirius wasn't playing. No one was expecting him to, either. Everyone knew he'd be in a bad mood before going home. He hadn't confided in the rest of them about what had happened during summer vacation, but I had a feeling they knew the gist of it.

I moved to the seat next to him.

"Are you going to be okay?"

He shrugged.

"Sirius."

He looked up, furiously wiping at the tears that had escaped his eyes.

"You're crying."

"Way to state the obvious. I'll be fine."

"I know you will. But in case, do you have a way to get out?" He shrugged again.

"Sirius?"

He shook his head, and rested his head on my shoulder.

"How bad is it going to be?"

"Don't make me think about it."

"Do you really **need** to go back?"

He nodded.

"Okay. Promise you'll get out if it gets too bad. I need you to promise, Sirius."

"I can't. Merlin, I'm terrified."

"I know you are. I don't know how you couldn't be. Honestly, this **isn't** safe. I can't begin to think about how conflicted you are, but as one of your best friends, I'm telling you that you need to get out of there."

"I know."

Evidently, he knew what would happen, but I also knew that I wouldn't get anything else out of him.

"You know, I've half a mind to just keep you here with me."

He laughed. Another tear escaped.

I looked at him expectantly.

He shook his head.

"Okay."

As we were getting off the train, I pulled him into a hug.

"Stay safe, alright?"

"I hope so."

We exchanged our "Have a great break!"s and went home with our families.

As the conversation in our car turned lighthearted, my thoughts drifted to Sirius. I was worried, and I knew I had reason to be.

The days passed, and I had fun with my family. Two days after Christmas, I got the owl.

It was from James, and it said,

'Come over? Sirius is here.

James'

It was vague. Why was Sirius at James's house?

"Mum?" I called. "Can I spend the rest of break at James's house? Sirius is there, too."

"Sure, dear. Have fun!"

"Thanks!"

I sent the owl with my reply.

'I'll be there within the hour.

~Luna'

I quickly threw my stuff in my trunk and shrunk it. Putting it in my pocket, I took my broom out.

"See you guys! Love you!"

"Love you!" came a chorus of voices.

I put the Disillusionment Charm on myself, and got on my broom. I was at James's house in exactly half an hour, and knocked on the door. A panicked-looking James opened it a moment later.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Sirius ran away."

"Permanently?"

He nodded.

"I don't know what's wrong with him, though. He looks like shit."

"Yeah? Way to be nice, James."

"Hey!"

"Follow me."

We walked up to the door of the guest room, and James pushed it open. Sirius was sitting on the bed, his knees pulled up to his chin. His face was cut up and his eyes were hollow. Remus was pacing the room.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey," Remus said.

James and I walked out of the room.

"What happened?!"

"I don't even know. He showed up at my door at about midnight on Christmas Eve, and all he said was that he ran away. He won't do anything, won't move. He's just been sitting there. I called Remus, thinking he'd calm him down a bit, but…"

"And you **just** called me?"

He nodded sheepishly.

I walked back in.

"Alright. Does someone want to explain what's going on?"

Remus shrugged.

James opened his mouth as if to say something, and thought better of it. He thought for a second, then asked, "Just tell us what happened! What are we your best mates even for?!" He walked up to Sirius and shook him by the shoulders. Hard. Bad idea.

Sirius recoiled. He was shaking to the point of rocking back and forth, and he put his hands in front of his face as if to shield him from a nonexistent threat.

"Sorry, mate. Damn, I'm an idiot sometimes."

"James, Remus, would you lot mind getting out for a minute?"

They did that.

I sat down on the bed. Not next to Sirius, but close enough that I could be there if needed.

"Hey, Siri."

Silence. Then he said it so quietly I almost couldn't hear it.

"Hey."

"James was stupid. I'm sorry about that."

He nodded an infinitesimal amount.

"You alright?"

A shrug.

"So, you ran away?"

There was another period of silence, and I didn't think he would say anything. A few minutes later, he did.

"Yeah."

"I'm glad you're out of there."

"Yeah."

"What happened to your face?"

"Mum."

"Do you want me to fix it?"

Another very small nod.

"How did she do it?"

"Cutting curse."

"Okay. 'Episkey.' Anything else?"

"My brain."

"Did the great Sirius Black just joke?"

He shook his head. "Make it shut up."

"Make what shut up?"

"The memories."

"I wish I could. I can't, though. Would talking about it help?"

"Maybe. I'm torn between telling you everything and not saying anything about it ever."

"Whichever is better for you."

"I went home. I knew it would be bad, and I was tempted to not go back. But I did. The first night, Bellatrix and Narcissa were at our house, and there was a huge family reunion. They talked about Voldemort and how Bellatrix had joined up with the Death Eaters, and Narcissa would after she got married. And then Reg said he was interested."

"Oh, no. That's horrible!"

"Then, obviously, my dad spoke up. He asked if I was going to join, knowing fully well what I would say. And I knew if I faked interest, Bellatrix would tell Voldemort and they'd make me actually do it. So, I said I wasn't interested."

"Merlin."

"And then, all hell broke loose. I could have taken it for a little while, the taunts, the 'bloodtraitor's, but then…"

"Yeah?"

"Then my dad said he wanted to talk to me in his office. At first, it was yelling. Then he pulled out his wand."

He choked out a sob.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

He shook his head, as if he couldn't stop now that he had started.

"He put me under the Imperius, and made me do this."

For the first time, I realized that he was wearing a sweatshirt, even though it was nice and warm inside. I didn't notice before because I was wearing a sweatshirt of my own, but that was because I'm always freezing. And it makes it easier to save magical energy, not using glamour charms all the time. He pulled up his left sleeve, and I gently took his arm.

It had something carved into it, and it took me a minute to realize it was writing. I looked at it the other way, and saw that it said, "I deserve to be punished for being alive."

"Merlin, Sirius."

I ran my finger over the cuts, stopping when he let out a hiss of pain.

"Sorry. These went deep, you know."

"How would you know?"

"First of all, I'll be a fully-trained healer in a couple of months. So I have a **bit** of experience. And, second…"  
I trailed off. "Well, yeah. I have a history with this stuff, remember?"  
He nodded. "Right."

"How did he… You… Whoever!.. Do these?"

"His dagger. He said he'd prefer if I'd bled out, but a slow death would do. I can barely even feel my arm."  
I looked at him in alarm. "Why can't you feel it?" I asked, hoping beyond hope that I was wrong, that his own father wouldn't have-Well, I already knew what he was capable of.

"I don't know. It was all… Tingly?... But it's numb right now."

"Sirius, I need you to think back. I know, and I'm sorry. But was there **anything** on the blade of the dagger?"

He craned his neck, trying to remember. "Yeah. Some black, oily substance, although that might've been the polishing liquid."

I shook my head. "Shit. Shit, shit, shit. No, that wasn't it."

I ran out. "James! Where are your parents?"

"They had gone to Diagon Alley, and said they needed to go to some acquaintance's house for a bit… But they should be back soon. Why? What's the matter?"

"Does your dad still carry poison antidotes?"  
He nodded. "Although, I don't know where they are. Why?"

"Because Sirius's father poisoned him! He used Bloodroot, and it's been three days already!"

James went pale. "Shit."

"Wait," Remus said. "James, you have house elves, right?"

James nodded.

"Wouldn't a house elf be able to get the potion? They'd know where it would be."  
"Right. Blinky!"

"Yes, master James?"  
"Do we have the antidote to Bloodroot poison?"

"Yes, although I is not knowing how fresh it is."

"Just bring it. And please, hurry!"

She popped back a moment later with a phial full of red liquid.

"Here you goes, master. Will you be needing anything else?"

James shook his head. "Thank you!"

I examined the liquid. "It's not expired."

We went back inside.

"You need to drink this," I said, holding it out.

"What if I don't want to? What if I **want** to die? Yeah, I know I'll die. I have-What is it now?-ten minutes or so left. I'm done with life."

"Just drink it," I pleaded. "Please. Otherwise, I swear, I will pour it down your throat whether you like it or not."  
I looked into his eyes, and gave him a look. He conceded.

"Are you going to take it?" I asked, gently.

He nodded, and I handed him the phial. For a second I was worried that he'd dump it out, but he drank it, making a face.

"Yeah, it's not exactly renowned for its taste."

He laughed.

James and Remus left the room again, sensing that there was more to be said.  
"You're an idiot, Sirius Black," I said.

He laughed again. "Well, yes, but I'm your favorite idiot."  
I pretended to contemplate. "I don't pick favorites. But seriously,-No, I don't want to hear it…-you scared us a lot."

"Sorry."

I nodded.

"So, you probably won't feel the best after taking that. Let's see, side effects include chills, dizziness, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, the next few days are **not** going to be fun for you."

He shrugged, then shivered. "Is it just me or is it cold in here?"

I shrugged. "You know my internal temperature controls are messed up, don't ask me.

'Here we go,' I thought.

"Blinky?"

She popped in. "You is calling Blinky?"

I nodded. "Could we have a couple of extra blankets?"

She got them.

"Thank you!"

I gave one to Sirius.

"Better?"

He nodded.

"Anyways… Let me finish. So, he put me under the Cruciatus for about ten minutes, and…"

I cut him off with a hand. "Have they done it before?"

He nodded.

James burst in the room. "Those idiotic assholes! WHAT DO THEY THINK THEY'RE DOING?! NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH THAT! THEY DESERVE TO ROT IN AZKABAN!"

On a normal day, we were used to James's rants, but almost nothing about today constituted as normal, and I saw that Sirius was looking at James with terror in his eyes. 'Crap.'

He took great gasping breaths, trying to get enough air, and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, in a failed attempt to stop crying.

"What should we do?!" James asked frantically.

"Not panic. That won't help. I hate to kick you out again, but…"

He nodded. "That's probably a good idea."  
As he was leaving the room again, I added, "James. Be a bit more careful around him, yeah? He's fragile right now, and I know. We're not used to seeing him this way, and it's hard for all of us. But you've got to understand. Anything could set him off right now, and for now we have to tiptoe around it a bit. Right?"  
He nodded. "Sorry."

I shook my head. "It's not that, it's that we're all scared for him and we just don't know what to do. This is uncharted territory here. But we have to figure it out. We have to get him out of there. He's here physically but not mentally. Not yet."

James left the room. For real this time. I sighed.

"Sirius?"  
He was still crying, and honestly, I didn't know what to do. What could I do? I sat cross-legged on the bed, and gently but firmly pulled his hands away from his face.

"You shouldn't do that," I said conversationally. "It's bad for your eyes."

He laughed shakily, and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up, too.

"You should tell someone. Who isn't me. An adult who can actually help. I mean, yeah, I'm one of your best friends, but there's not much I can do but say that it'll get better and heal up some minor stuff. And if you tell someone, they don't have to say that you told them anything."

He shook his head. "I can't. You wouldn't get it."  
I knew that I shouldn't, couldn't back down now, for I was finally getting through to him, but I did.

"Okay."

None of us mentioned the events of that day for a while. It had become principle. Then we did.

It came up again the day before we were supposed to leave for Hogwarts.

"Sirius, dear, would you bring the glasses here?" Mrs. Potter asked while serving lunch.

He nodded, and went into the kitchen to get them.

Suddenly, there was a crash and a subsequent sob.

We all rushed in to see Sirius sitting against the counter in the midst of broken glass.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

He hid his face with his hands.

Shards of glass lay on the floor, creating rainbows in the sunlight.

"Are you hurt?" Mrs. Potter asked.

He shook his head.

"Then whatever is the matter, dear?"

He shook his head again.

"Could you please excuse us for a second?" I asked.

She did.

"Sirius. You should get up, yeah? You don't want to get hurt. There's glass everywhere."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"I'm **fine**."

"Sirius."

Silence.

"Oh, Merlin. I can't even carry a couple of cups without breaking them! No wonder they didn't want me!"

"It's okay. It was a mistake. It's not like you did it on purpose. And if they didn't want you, they're fools."

And then Remus walked in.

"Look, I don't know what's going on, but you need to stop shutting us out. And **please** , for Merlin's sake, stop overreacting. You're **such** a drama queen. Honestly! You're not the only one with problems here!"

He walked back out.

Sirius stared at me, dumbstruck.

"He didn't mean it," I said quietly. "Full moon's tomorrow. He's a bit high strung right now."

"Yeah. I guess."

And that was it.


	20. You're Crying

We went back to Hogwarts two days after New Year's Day. The train ride back was mostly uneventful, and we got there just before dinner, Remus and Sirius still weren't talking, and tensions were running high. We didn't have school until the fifth, so we elected to use the fourth as a free day.

We played games all day, and just generally had fun. So, when Sirius said he had to use the restroom, no one thought anything of it until it had been half an hour since he had gone.

I knocked on the door. "Are you in there?"

"I don't even know anymore."

"Yeah?"  
"Yeah."

"What are you doing in there?"

"I don't know."

"Can I come in? Or are you actually using the restroom or something?"

"You can come in, I guess."

"'Alohamora.'" The door swung open.

He was absentmindedly twirling something in his hands, ghosting the tip of it in the air near his forearm. My heart sank.

"Don't."

A sigh.

"Sirius, I mean it. Don't."

"But…?"

"Just don't. Please."

I pried the blade from his fingers, and flushed it down the toilet. I didn't want it in my hands longer than it had to be there, either.

"What were you thinking?" I asked. Not rudely, just curious.

"I don't know. Nothing. Everything. Something."

"Yeah?"

"I'm just so tired, and I don't know if it's worth it anymore. And I don't want to be a burden on James's family. Also, Remus still isn't talking to me."

"You're not a burden. And it **is** worth it. And Sirius, you should tell us if it gets that bad."

Then, as an afterthought, I added,

"I don't know what to do about Remus. Y'know he's miserable, too, right? Why don't you just ask him what's going on?"

"I don't know."

"Also, where did you get that?"

"James's razor."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Listen, you really shouldn't do that. Just don't even start."

"Says the hypocrite."

"That's not fair."

"Sorry."

I shrugged.

"I'm just looking out for you, yeah?"

"I know."

"So… Is this the first time you've wanted to…"

"Nah. I've wanted to do it a couple of times before, but…"

I nodded. "I get it."

"I think the last time was last year… Remember the Great Dorm Incident of '76?"

I did.

 **Flashback:**

 _It was the new school year, about November or so. And everything was going fine until we saw Peter running down the stairs. Peter never ran._

" _He's gone mad, Sirius has! I patted him on the shoulder…"_

' _Uh oh…'_

" _And he just about punched me! Said I couldn't touch him! He's going ballistic!"_

" _Yeah?" I asked._

" _And now he's throwing a fit."_

" _Okay. I'll go check on him. Also, did anything else happen? It's not like Sirius to just… Y'know?"  
He nodded. "I accidentally said something about his family? But it wasn't that big of a deal."  
I shook my head. "It's a big deal to him."_

 _Then I went upstairs._

 _For a second, I couldn't find him. Then I heard the smash. It came from the bathroom, but what was going on in there?_

 _I didn't have to wait long to find out._

 _The door was open. I didn't expect it to be._

 _So, I pushed it, and there Sirius was, cradling his hand. There were shards of mirror on the floor, reflecting myself back at me._

" _What happened?"  
_ " _I punched the mirror."_

" _I got that, but why?"_

 _He shrugged._

 _I sighed. "Give me your hand."_

 _I ran my wand over it, and the glass came out._

" _I'll wrap it in a minute, yeah? I need to disinfect it first. Who knows what kind of germs were on that?"_

 _I went downstairs to get the antiseptic and bandages, and carefully wrapped his hand._

" _You okay?"_

 _He hesitated._

" _Be honest."_

" _No. I'm not okay."_

" _That's alright. You can't always be perfectly fine. But, what do you need right now?"_

" _To talk?"_

" _Okay. So, you almost punched Pete?"_

" _Yeah."  
_ " _What'd he do?"_

" _Touched me."_

" _Is there a reason you didn't want him touching you? Not judging, I'm just curious. Because Remus, James, and I also touched you today, but you were fine with that? Or do you not want to be touched?"  
He shrugged again._

" _I don't know what happened. I mean, it's fine if it's you… Or Remus, because I know he'd never hurt me, and James is okay sometimes, too. He doesn't always get it, though. But Peter… I don't know what it is about him, but he scares me."_

" _ **Peter**_ _**Pettigrew**_ _scares you?" I asked incredulously._

" _Not exactly. He makes me really uneasy, like he's not quite what he's made himself to be…"_

 _I nodded. "That makes sense, but are you sure you're not being a bit paranoid? I mean, maybe it just reminded you of Grimmauld Place or something?"  
He raised his chin defiantly. "I'm not being paranoid! See, no one believes me."_

" _I'm not saying I don't believe you. I was just asking. I believe you, alright? I'm just a bit surprised."_

" _Yeah. It's weird, because I know he's one of my best friends, but…"_

" _So… Maybe you should tell him you don't want him to touch you?"_

" _I can't. He'd ask why he's not, and he's too thick-headed to get that it reminds me of being back at Number Twelve and I don't want to go back there ever again."_

" _Well, you're out now. So… Back to when you decided to punch a mirror." I couldn't help but laugh._

" _Stop laughing!" The effect was ruined by him breaking off into laughter before he could finish the sentence._

" _Says you."_

" _Says the grammar nerd."_

" _The grammar nerd also tells you to shut up, but you never listen to_ _ **that**_ _."_

 _I couldn't stop laughing._

 _ **End flashback…**_

"Were you trying to self-harm by punching the mirror?" I asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I was really mad at him."

"So… When?"

"After he did it. I couldn't explain why I got so worked up about it, and…"

"Did you do it?"

"Didn't have the guts."  
"Aren't you the Gryffindor? But siriusly (Oh, Merlin… Here we go again…), I'm glad you didn't. And as much as you may or may not like him, at least Peter got help for you."

"I guess, although I wish he wouldn't have yelled it to the whole Common Room."

"True. But answer me honestly, what's going on with you?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Okay, but please don't try to… Again, okay? It's an addiction, and when you start, it's really hard to stop. I'd know, yeah?"

"I won't. I promise."  
"Good."

 **Sirius's POV:**

I didn't know why I didn't want to talk to Luna about what happened. She was obviously scared about me cutting, but she had done it before. She'd understand. But I didn't even know what was going on with me. Part of me wished she had pressed it. But she didn't. And I knew that I'd end up doing something stupid if I didn't talk to someone.

So I went to Remus. Surely he'd listen, right? Even if we weren't talking?

"Moony? Can I talk to you?"

He nodded, looking frustrated.

"I… Almost did something really stupid. I wanted to cut."

"Listen, Sirius. It's really late, and we should go to bed. School starts tomorrow and I'm really tired because of the moon yesterday. Can we talk about this later?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."

 **Remus's POV:**

I didn't know why I was being so rude! I mean, I **was** exhausted, and technically, we **weren't** talking, but this was important! But I still said it. I didn't want Sirius to know I was still cutting, especially since I had promised I'd try and stop.

But him bringing the topic up was too soon. I could already feel the urge building up again. So I didn't say anything more about it, even as he was visibly upset. Some boyfriend I was.

 **Sirius's POV:**

I knew I was being unreasonable, although the small voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like Luna said that I wasn't, but that I needed to get help right now.

So I took a breath and walked back into our room.

"Hey, mate."  
James barely looked up as I walked in, then did a double take.

"You alright? You look like shit."

I shrugged.

What was I doing?! I was standing here, but why? I was going to do something I'd regret if I didn't do something about it. Fast.

"James?" I asked in a small voice.

"Yeah?"

I made my decision, and obeyed the voice. "Could you call Luna?"

It was strange that everyone always looked to her in situations like these. She had an air about her, that one could share anything without feeling self-conscious. And besides, she was always there for you and wouldn't judge no matter what.

"Yeah, I'll get her."  
He looked uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his hair, but still asked,

"Are you gonna be alright in here alone till then?"

I shrugged. "Think so."

He nodded.

I sat there, against the wall, trying to pull my hair out. It felt good? What was wrong with me? I couldn't do anything right. But why did this feel so good? It was a good coping mechanism, right? I grabbed chunks of it, and pulled harder yet again, when the door swung open. I didn't realize that my breaths had started coming out in short, erratic gasps, until-

"Sirius? What's going on?"

Luna walked in, took one look at me, and gently tugged my hands away from my head.

"Okay. Can you get up, or do you want to stay here on the floor?"  
"Get up," I mumbled.

For a second, I thought she didn't understand what I said, but she shook her head as if reading my mind, and said,

"So, James and I are gonna help you up, alright?"

I shrugged.

"Ready?" She asked James.

He nodded, and I was suddenly on my feet.

But a sudden bout of dizziness hit and I almost fell over.

Luna put an arm around me, so I wouldn't do that.

"Okay? What now?"

James said, "He needs to go to Madam Pomfrey, obviously! He looks like death warmed over!"

"Sirius?" Luna asked. "Do you want to go to Madam Pomfrey?"

I shook my head.

I couldn't go to her! She'd see the bruises and my arm and-... Why couldn't I stop thinking?!

"I'm not gonna make you go," she said, interrupting the ever-present thoughts. "But you need help."

She walked me over to my bed, and we both sat down on it.

She turned her head away to mouth something to James, and he nodded and left. I vaguely wondered what she had said, but decided it didn't matter right now.

"So, what's going on?"

 **Luna's POV:**

"So, what's going on?" I asked. He had been acting strange all week.

"I don't know what's wrong with me!"

He shook with silent sobs.

"Hey, hey. It's alright. Get it all out."

I rubbed circles into his back, and he continued talking.

"I need to feel something! Anything! And I'm so tired! And I don't know what to do!"

"Anything else?"

"I get mad so easily and I almost did something I swore never to do, and everything's so overwhelming!"

"It's not your fault. And maybe we can make it a bit simpler?"

He nodded desperately.

"Okay. I'm gonna get your hair out of your face, alright?"

He froze.

"Sirius?"

 **Sirius's POV:**

"I'm gonna get your hair out of your face, alright?"

I had heard those words before.

 **Flashback:**

" _That's it, Sirius. I'm getting your damn hair out of your damn face for once in your damn worthless life!"_

 **End flashback...**

So, I didn't move. Luna would understand what was going on, right?

 **Luna's POV:**

What was going on with him?

"Sirius?" I asked again.

Then I realized.

"No, no... I didn't mean it like that. I'm just gonna braid it if it's alright with you."

He slumped and nodded.

 **Sirius's POV:**

I was an idiot. I should've known what she meant!

Noticing my discomfort, Luna quietly said,

"Doesn't matter. And no, you're not an idiot. Don't beat yourself up over something you can't control."

 **Luna's POV:**

He leaned back slightly, and I braided the dark curls the way I had so many times before.

"Better?"

He nodded.

"What else is going on?"

"I keep freaking out about the smallest of things!"

"Have you ever heard of something called anxiety? Lots of people have it, including me. Actually, I'm pretty sure Remus does, too."

He shook his head.

"Okay, what happens when you freak out?" I made air quotes around the words "freak out."

"I feel like I'm gonna die, and my heart beats really fast, and I'm dizzy and I feel like I'm not getting enough air, and…"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure you have anxiety. It's basically a problem where you're really uneasy or nervous, even when others aren't, and it often shows up in the form of panic or anxiety attacks. But it differs from normal uneasiness in which that it lasts, some people describe it like being trapped in your own head. Does any of that sound familiar?"

He nodded. "There's actually a word for all that?"

"Yep. It kinda sucks, but at least we know what's going on now, yeah?"

"Yeah."

And I added, "And don't think for a minute that it makes you weak. Do you think Remus is weak? Or me?"

He shook his head, and I continued. "Then neither are you. You're stronger than me, for sure. I wouldn't have survived where you have."

Slowly, but surely, the beginnings of a smile pulled at the corners of his lips.

"You are so, so strong," I said. "And don't you ever forget that."


	21. After New Year's Day

"So," I said after a few minutes, breaking the silence. "What happened today? Why did you want to…?"

"I guess I kinda lost it. I mean, everyone's all happy, and… Then you have me."  
"What do you mean?"

"Everyone had a great break and stuff, and I'm happy for them, but then you have me hanging around like a dark cloud."

"You are **not** a dark cloud."

He shrugged. "I mean, I am here, wasting everyone's time."  
"If you were wasting my time, I'd tell you. I'm here because I want to help you. Not everyone's like your family."

He shook his head. "You wouldn't tell me if I was wasting your time. You'd help Snivellus…" Here he made a face. "...if he needed it."  
"Does that make me a bad person that I want everyone I care about to be happy?"

"You care about **him**?"

"We were friends once, not too long ago. Remember?"

"Yeah."  
"But enough about me. We were talking about you."  
"Were we?"

"Sirius."  
"Sorry."  
"I forgot to ask, how was the moon?"

He shrugged again.

"It was fine."  
"Was it?"

"I guess. Not much to heal this time. It's just… He was mad, and the wolf knew to attack the dog. Not much more to it."

"I'm guessing that you didn't tell him that?"

He nodded.

"Do you want me to talk to him?"  
"I don't want to be a burden…"  
"You're not."  
"But…"  
"Sirius. You're not a burden. Do you want me to talk to him?"  
"Could you please?"  
"Of course. Now, back to the cutting thing. Are you still feeling the urge? And be honest."  
He slightly inclined his head.  
"Okay. What can we do to take your mind off it?"

He yawned.

"It **is** getting late. You want to try to sleep?"  
"Yeah."  
"Alright. I'll stay here if you want?"  
"Don't leave, please."

"I won't."

I was woken up by someone walking around. I sat up, and realized it was just Sirius.  
"What are you doing up?" I asked.

"Nightmare."

"You want to talk about it?"  
He shook his head.

"Okay. I'm gonna go check where James and Remus are, okay?"  
"They aren't back yet?"

I looked around. "No. Strange… You want to come?"

"Yeah."

We left Peter in the dorm, asleep.

"You check the bathroom, and I'll do the Common Room."

"Sure."

It was Sirius who found them, asleep in the bathroom. James had his hands clasped around Remus's wrists. I pulled his hands off, and looked at the latter's arms. James had succeeded.

"Alright. I got Remus and you got James? He's too heavy for me, but I think Remus should be fine."

"That works. Or do you want us both to bring one up and then the other."

I shook my head. "That'd create too much of a commotion."

"True."

"Remus."

I shook him awake.

"Come up to bed, yeah?"

"Did I fall asleep?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Just come up and then you can go back to sleep. You fell asleep in the bathroom."

"Good job, me," he said.

Meanwhile, Sirius was having considerably less luck with James.

"James," he whined. "It's late, wake up!"

"Let's switch," I said.

"But you just said…"

"Don't worry about it."

In reality, I wanted Remus and Sirius to make up without intervention.

"James. Get up."

"I have an idea," Remus said. When no one protested, he sent James flying to the ceiling with 'Levicorpus!'

"Wha-?" James spluttered.

"'Liberacorpus.'"

"You awake?"

He nodded.

"Good night."


	22. Missions that End Badly

The next month, Dumbledore had our first Order mission. The Order of the Phoenix was an organization he had formed to help defeat Voldemort, and we were part of it.

The mission was to spy on a Death Eater hideout to get information about where Voldemort was. It was decided that Sirius, Remus, and James would go, and Lily and I would stay at school in case there were problems. We'd say we were helping Madam Pomfrey so we had an excuse to be in the Hospital Wing after curfew.

Oh, how I'd hoped there wouldn't be problems.

And oh, how I was wrong.

The only good part was that they were back earlier than expected, although, the circumstances weren't exactly good.

It started with the waiting. Then I got the sense that something was **very** wrong.

I **really** hoped they were okay.

Then, they were back, way earlier than we thought they'd be.

I heard a scream.

"Lily? Is everything okay?"

"They're back!" She yelled back from the office. She was doing homework, and I was pacing, too nervous to concentrate.

Remus walked in, carrying the unconscious body of one Sirius Black.

"What happened?"

"We got ambushed."

"Yeah?"

"By Death Eaters. He dodged a killing curse from his cousin and walked straight into six other curses."

"Which cousin?"

"I can't remember her name… Belle, or something?"

"Bellatrix?"

"Yeah. That one. Honestly, Sirius is such an idiot!"

I smiled.

"Are you and James alright?"

"Yeah, mostly. Just minor stuff… Lily can do it."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

I took a closer look at Sirius and realized that he had a bump on his forehead that blood was trickling out of.

"Did he hit his head?"

"I think he did. On the door when we were leaving."

"That makes sense. Don't worry, he'll be fine."

"Yeah. Good night."  
"Night. Rather, morning."

"What time's it?"

"I think it's about two."

"Ah."


	23. What Seemed Like the Thousandth Time

He woke up in the middle of the night. Morning. Well, it was 4 am, so whatever that constituted as...

"Water," he croaked.

I handed him a glass. "Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Where'm I?" he asked after downing it.

"Hospital Wing. You were pretty out of it."

He nodded.

"How'd I get back?"

"Remus and James."

"Why does my head hurt so much?"  
"You hit it on a door, I think."

"Oh. So…" He broke off coughing, flecks of blood landing on the pristine white bed covers, and then he wrapped his arms around his upper body.

"Easy, yeah? Don't talk, just breathe. Where does it hurt?"

He nodded, taking in a rattling breath and pointing to his ribs.

"Not good, Siri. I think they're broken. How in Merlin's name did you manage to break your ribs twice in one year?!

He shrugged and winced in pain.

"Okay, hold still, let me check."

I ran my wand over him for what seemed like the thousandth time. When the blue light had finished surrounding him, I frowned.

"Yep. You broke four ribs and you have a concussion. I don't even want to know how you managed to do that. I'll start patching them up, but in the meantime, try to get some sleep, yeah?"


	24. The Prank (Flashback)

**Sirius's POV:**

 **Dream flashback:**

" _He's a filthy half-breed, isn't he? Tell me or else," he said._

" _Or else what?"_

" _Or else I'll tell the whole school what your_ _ **loving**_ _parents do to you."_

 _Fuck._

" _There's a knot. On the base of the Whomping Willow. Just press it with a stick and you'll be in." The words escaped from my mouth without my knowing and my eyes widened._

" _Good dog."_

 _I clenched my fists, suddenly_ _ **very**_ _tempted to punch him in the face, ruin that already too-big nose. I didn't._

 _My mind cleared a bit as he left. 'What had I done?!'_

 _I felt panic obstructing my airways and tried to take a deep breath._

' _I could fix this, right?'_

 _I had to try._

 _So I ran up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower. James was still here. Thank Merlin._

" _Could I talk to you?" I asked, aware of my heart beating faster and faster._

" _Yeah, sure."_

 _What I said next would change everything._

" _ItoldSnapeaboutRemusandhesgoingtotheShackIfuckedupandIdontknowwhattodo!"_

" _A bit slower?"_

 _I took another breath. "I told Snape about Remus and he's going to go to the Shack. I fucked up. Bad."  
_ " _How could you?! Arghhhh, you_ _ **arse**_ _!"_

 _His eyes glittered with anger and poorly-veiled betrayal._

 _And he left._

 _I sat there for what felt like forever in the corner of the Common Room with people shooting me looks every so often, and then the door swung open._

 _I opened my mouth to say something, I didn't know what, to atone for the unforgivable deed I had done, but Luna silenced me with a hand._

" _He's okay."_

 _I let go the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding, and asked,_

" _Can I see him?"_

 _She shook her head._

" _He doesn't want visitors right now. But he's okay."_

" _Was it bad?"_

" _Yeah. He tried to attack Snape but James saved his life."_

" _That's good, I guess."_

" _Wh-What happened?"_

 _I shook my head. I'd pay for this alone._

" _Did he threaten you?" She sat down on the ground next to where I was sitting and put an arm around me._

 _I didn't know why I didn't tell her the truth. A lot could've been avoided._

" _No."_

" _Are you_ _ **sure**_ _? Because old friend or not, I know him. And I know you."_

" _I'm sure. I don't know what happened."_

" _You hurt Remus a lot."_

" _I know. I'm so sorry," I said, crying now. He'd never talk to me again. Or he would but he'd be so distant and we'd never have the same relationship again._

" _Sirius," Luna said, pulling me from my thoughts. "It's not me you should be apologizing to."_

" _He'll hate me."_

" _You need to tell him what happened."_

 _I shook my head. I couldn't._

" _Okay. Just know that James is_ _ **pissed**_ _. He looks ready to punch someone, and he yelled at_ _ **Lily**_ _."_

 _I raised my eyebrows._

" _And you know Peter. He'll do whatever James says."_

" _I'm sorry."_

" _Actually, James sent me. He thought I was the least likely to kill you."_

 _My face must have conveyed some of the horror I felt because she shook her head._

" _Why would I do that? You're my best friend, even when you fuck up. I don't get what happened, but it's over now, and we have to fix it, yeah?"_

 _I didn't say anything because I could feel the voices already taking over, reminding me over and over and over again how Moony was going to kill me. Or I'd be expelled and my parents would kill me. I wasn't sure which would be worse. Rest assured, James, I'd pay for this, one way or another._

" _Sirius?"_

 _She tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a sympathetic smile._

" _He_ _ **did**_ _threaten you." It wasn't a question._

 _Slowly, I nodded._

" _Merlin. Don't worry, okay? I have a pretty good idea what he said, and I'll talk to Re."_

 _I nodded, and Luna left. Despite her assurances, I was left thinking about how there was no way Remus would ever forgive me. Once I was sure she had enough of a head start, I left the Common Room too, and walked up to the Astronomy Tower._

 **End flashback dream…**


	25. Long Night

I woke up, sweating. It was back, in the form of nightmares. This was the fourth time I'd relived that event this week.

I tried to get up, looking for a Dreamless Sleep, but regretted that decision as soon as I made it.

And suddenly Lily was steadying me.

"Long night, huh?" she asked, handing it to me.

"Yeah." I didn't want to talk much. I felt awful, although I wouldn't ever admit it.

"Is Luna asleep?" I slurred, already tired.

"Yeah… Should I get her?"

I shook my head. "Just wondering."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Yeah. That. Good of the night. To you three. I feel druuuuunk."

"Sleep, for Merlin's sake."

Suddenly sleep sounded like a really good idea.

 **A/N: Hey! I'm back! I'm sorry for the irregular posting lately, but school ended, and I'm taking summer courses, and I procrastinated that, and… Well, I'll try harder, okay?**

 **This chapter has stuff about suicidal thoughts. Remember ages ago, when James had said that Sirius had tried jumping off the Astronomy Tower after The Prank? Well, I finally showed some of the context for that, lol.**

 **I just want to say, thank you for everyone who's stuck with this fanfic through it's ups and downs and I am now at 110 pages! :)**

 **And some individual thank yous! Thank you sosososo much UnscrewedUp, you actually talked me out of writer's block a while back, and you regularly review. :)**


	26. Chocolate

**Luna's POV:**

The third day of February dawned as the day of Regulus's funeral. Sirius was going, and had told McGonagall he'd have to go instead of skiving off. He'd have to see his family, but at the moment, it looked like Remus was due to blow up. No one knew why exactly he was so pissed off, but the approaching full moon was a likely cause. It really wasn't the best day for Sirius to be gone.

I had brought him some chocolate, thinking maybe it would help, and left it by his bed, which I later realized was a bad idea. For, when I walked back in with him and James from NEWT Transfiguration, it was sticking out of Peter's mouth.

 **Remus's POV:**

I was exhausted, although it was the full moon tomorrow, so I guessed that somehow made up for itself like twisted karma. Yes, I realized that made no sense. Or did it? And I was already getting pissed off at the smallest things, and I found myself thinking about the blade **very** often, although I was two weeks clean. So when I saw Peter eating **my** chocolate (and I'm generally not a selfish person), I freaked out.

It was the moments like these that scared me about myself the most, when I lost control. It didn't happen often now, but I'd have preferred them to not happen at all.

All the rage that had been building up for the last week surfaced, and a part of me was still saying to breathe in and relax, that nothing was as bad as I was making it, but I yelled at it to shut up and by the horrified looks from the room's other three occupants, I realized I had spoken aloud.

James, ever the voice of reason, spoke up. "Um, hate to break it to you, mate, but no one was talking…"

I ignored him, instead letting some of the fury go.

"DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING CHOCOLATE! HONESTLY, YOU'D THINK THAT YOU'RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE, TRYING TO PISS ME OFF ON ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE!"

 **Peter's POV:**

I mean, why'd he need to make such a big deal about it? It was only some stupid chocolate. Not like he couldn't get more… So why was he making such a big deal about chocolate? He was acting like he'd never gone through a full moon before. He'd done it for thirteen years, so suck it up and stop complaining already or… I don't know! Honestly, Remus was so mean sometimes! And selfish! I mean, **I** was suffering, too! I was hungry!

 **James's POV:**

Remus looked about ready to hex Peter, when Luna put a hand on his arm.

"We can get more, alright? Let's go to the kitchens. You've got to be hungry, you barely ate at lunch. I know, you're really, really tired, and you could fall asleep any second, but you should eat **something**."

I had never, in my seven years of knowing him, see Remus blow up like he did. Sure, I'd seen him cry, and panic, and the time when his biggest secret was outed to Snivellus, of all people, by one of those who he trusted the most, but this was different. It was terrifying, and it was these times that I remembered that what he turned into once a month didn't just leave like he let on. No, it was a part of him, and while he tried to hide it, we knew it was there.

And at last, Remus dropped his gaze and stopped glaring at Wormy, who, alright, could be a right arse at times.

Luna gave me a look, which I took to mean that she might've murdered Wormtail had she had the opportunity, and I was glad that she wasn't going to be in a locked room with him. No, it was up to me to explain why he was an idiot to him.

 **Remus's POV (Don't worry, you'll get more Jamieee later!):**

"So, what's really going on?" Luna asked as we pushed through the portrait hole.

I shrugged. "The usual PMS."

That stood for 'Pre-Moon Syndrome,' as Sirius had once jokingly called it. The name had stuck, and the corners of Luna's mouth twitched up.

"Not normally this bad, is it?" She wasn't to be deterred.

"No, just stressed out for NEWTs and stuff…"

She nodded.

"Sure there isn't anything I can do?"

I shook my head no, and she nudged me. "And Sirius'll be back soon, so **that** should help up your mood a bit…"

She knew me too well.

"And here we are, to the chocolate."

I tickled the pear to let us into the kitchens, and relaxed for the first time all day as I smelled the rich aroma that was my first love: chocolate.


	27. The Funeral

**Sirius's POV:**

Merlin. I had known that the funeral was today for a while, since I'd gotten the blasted envelope. Pushing it to the back of my mind would make it go away, right?

Wrong.

And now I was walking up to a chair. It was meant to be a sad event, but all I could think of was how wrong this was. Regulus had been 16. Sixteen fucking years old and he'd become a Death Eater. What the fuck?! And now he was gone. A part of me had died that day too. As I thought that, the anger and hurt I'd felt when I found out that Reg was **dead** washed over me, and suddenly my wand was clenched in my hand.

 _Selfish, selfish. It's not your funeral, shut up and sit there._

Merlin. Why was Peter's voice in my head? The world was out to get me today.

A shadow crept up behind me, and I turned around so fast I got whiplash.

"Now, now, little traitor… No need for that… We just want to get our revenge for the stunts you pulled over Christmas Break."

Of course. It was my mother. I had somehow forgotten that the rest of my family(?!) was going to be at the funeral, too.

She pointed her wand at me. 'Silencio.'

Great.

'Crucio.'

While it certainly wasn't the first time, it caught me off guard. No matter how many times I endured the Cruciatus Curse, it was hell.

I writhed around in agony, trying to see if anyone would notice. Or care.

No luck. The only people there were either part of my family or junior Death Eaters.

Fuck. Was that Snape?

It was.

"Awww, look at little Mummy's boy."

Walburga just smiled indulgently. "Severus, dear, how are you?"

"I'm well. And you?"

"Just fine."

I needed to get out. But the Peter inside my head spoke up.

"Don't you **owe** it to your brother to be here? After all he did for you, you're thinking of leaving? What an ungrateful-"

"Can we proceed?" The guy at the podium asked, and Walburga finally let the curse die down.

I was vaguely aware that I was shaking as I excused myself. To hell with Peter. I tried to find a restroom, but didn't get there in time, so I threw up in the bushes. Oh, well. I felt a little better, and attempted a calming spell on myself.

'This wasn't right,' I thought, feeling my limbs tingling, as I felt myself losing consciousness.

As I touched the Portkey that Professor Dumbledore had made for me in case of an emergency, everything went black.


	28. You're Safe Here

**Still Sirius's POV:**

When I regained consciousness, I was in my own bed. I groggily wondered how I'd gotten there.

Peter squeaked in surprise as I sat up, and Luna got up from the windowseat and walked over to me.

"What the hell, Sirius?!"

She was crying. Why?

"I was talking to McGonagall about the essay she set us in her office and you suddenly showed up, unconscious. So we moved you here. Then you woke up and freaked out and fell back asleep. You were screaming something about the Cruciatus Curse."

"Wai-what?"

"Reg's funeral?"

"Oh. Shit."

"Pettigrew, shove off."

Luna gave me a look, then relented in light of recent events.

"Hey Pete, could you give us a second?"

He shrugged and walked away.

"Was it your mum?"

I nodded. They could get to me anywhere.

"No. You're safe here, okay? Who the **hell** do they think they are?!"  
"The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black's only heirs?"

She groaned. "I swear to Merlin… Are you going to be okay, though?"

I shrugged.


	29. The Dot that Said Sirius Black

**Luna's POV:**

Merlin, I wanted to kill them. The Cruciatus in public?! What the absolute **hell**?! Sirius obviously wasn't okay, but he wouldn't admit that right now. I knew that he believed that he was weak for not being able to fight it, but no one could! So, all we could do now was wait for the explosion. I didn't like it. Last time, he had tried to kill himself, and the time before that, Severus was involved.

I told him that I'd get a potion from Madam Pomfrey for the after-effects of the curse and slipped out. I didn't like leaving him alone like this, but it was necessary, and probably not the best idea leaving Peter and him in the same room, especially at the moment. And he was in no condition to come with me.

So I was **very** happy when I bumped into James and Remus. They had gone for a walk after Re had gotten his chocolate. Wait. I had completely forgotten about Remus and Peter's fight. Great.

"He's back," I said, and James breathed a sigh of relief.

"How'd it go?"

"He left before the actual thing could start. That bitch put the Cruciatus on him for over five minutes."

"Can we let Moony murder her tomorrow?"

"No," Remus said before I could.

"Are **you** feeling better?" I asked, and he nodded.

"Yeah, I don't know why I got so mad… I'll have to apologize to Wormtail."

"Can both of you get back fast? He's in there alone, and that doesn't seem like a good idea right now."

Remus pulled out the Marauder's Map, and softly said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Both boys looked for the dot that said "Sirius Black."

"Shit," James said, his face white.

"What happened?"

"He's going to the Astronomy Tower."

Shit indeed.

"Okay, I'll go after him," I said. "But I need you guys to go to Poppy and get a Calming Draught and a potion for the curse."

Remus nodded, his jaw set.


	30. Drinking & Astronomy Tower

I ran. At least I knew where I was going this time.

I didn't end up intercepting Sirius as I had originally hoped, but I supposed beggars couldn't be choosers, and I **did** find him before he could do anything but stare at the ledge.

"Hey."

"Hi. Look, could you go?" Sirius asked in a small voice. "I don't want you seeing this."

I sat down next to him. "How many times do we have to go through this?" I asked. "I'm not leaving you. Ever. And since I'm not going anywhere without you, you're coming with me."

"Okay," he sighed, and made to get up.

"Are you drunk?"

He shrugged.

"I swear to Merlin, give me something to work with here!"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Being alive."

And just like that, he was perched on the edge of the tower.

"I'm sorry."

"Let's go. You're drunk and exhausted."  
"And in pain. So this is the perfect time to end it. Tell them I said sorry, yeah?"

"Sirius. Please."

"What will everyone remember?" He asked bitterly.

"Sirius. For one, the aftereffects of the curse can't have worn off yet, especially with you being under it for that long. And you're drunk, remember? So you're not thinking clearly."

"Where's Reggie?" he asked, looking around. "I haven't seen him in so long."

"Come on," I said, not answering.

We walked back through the trapdoor-esque door to a nearby alcove where James and Remus were waiting, although it seemed more like Re was dozing on James's shoulder. It **was** the full moon tomorrow.

"How'd it go?" James asked.

"He's drunk, so as well as expected."  
"Fuck," said James. "That's where the Firewhiskey went."

"Oh, shit," Remus said, now apparently awake.

And then there was a sound, a sound I really hoped I'd never have to hear again, as Sirius made a noise that was part sob part wheeze part gasp, "Not Reg! Take me instead! Why?! Why would he DO this?! Kill me, too! Oh, god. Not Reg! Where are you, Reg?! I know you're still here!"

"It's not real," James said.

Sirius paid him no notice.

"Sirius," Remus said. "Regulus is gone. But that doesn't mean that his memory won't live on. You need to stop living in the past, because you're losing yourself this way. Reg wouldn't want you to do this."

"How'd y'know what he wants?" Sirius slurred.

"Well, I'm assuming," Remus said.

"He'd wantme to stopeverything, y'know? You never methm Moons."

"Pads," said James. "Ask Luna. She's met him, right?"

I nodded.

"Whatwould Reg want?"

"He'd want you to stop blaming yourself, for one. And he'd want you to move on, like Re said. And he'd really want for you to be able to be happy again, okay? He loved you very much and he wouldn't want you to kill yourself over him dying. And he'd want for you to live a good life and remember he's always with you in spirit."

"But, he wouldn't want me to go withhim? I'm just a wastaspace here."

James made to argue, but Remus started first.

"Padfoot, who exactly told you that you were a waste of space?"

Sirius shrugged. "A lotta people. Parents, cousins, oth'r family, Malfoy, Snape, Peter…"

"Peter?" I asked. "When did that happen?"

"Same day he'd Confounded me and told me I should tell Snape that Moony's a werewolf. Told me I was a wastaspace and should kill myself already. Reminds me of my dad."

James, Remus, and I looked at each other.

"Hey, Siri," I said. "I know you're tired and probably don't want to relive it, but could I see that memory?"

He nodded slowly.


	31. I Had To

**Sirius's POV:**

 **Flashback:**

 _Full moon. I was late. Fuck._

 _Peter had his wand to my throat. 'Confundo.'_

" _Okay. You're a waste of space. Honestly, just a bloody poof. So, you want to kill yourself. And you also want to see Lupin hurt."_

" _I do? But I like Moony."  
_ " _No," he said, patiently. "You broke up with him."_

" _What?! Why?!"_

" _He stood you up. You deserve so much better than him."_

" _But I don't want Moony to get hurt."_

" _Yes, you do. So, you're going to tell Snape that the arse with anger issues - hey, that has a sort of ring to it - is a bloody werewolf and is a danger to us all. He could kill us anytime, over something as stupid as… Chocolate! Yeah, that's it. So, you're gonna do that, then feel so bad, and pitch yourself off the Astronomy Tower. You've tried to do that before, right?"_

" _Yes," I reluctantly admitted. How'd he know?!_

" _So, you'll do it again, and this time stupid Potter won't be there to save your arse, and you'll be gone for good! Then it'll be easy to take out him and the others."_

" _Okay," I said. I didn't want to do this! But I had to._

 **End flashback:**

 **Luna's POV:**

"Fuck," I said.

 **A/N: Omg! Chapter thirty! I'm sorry that I literally uploaded 11 chapters the other day... I got lazy and procrastinated publishing. But in my defence, I was VERY busy. But, they're here now! Also, tomorrow marks six months since I started "A Way to Cope!" Woohoo! I'm so excited! Thirty chapters in six months! Not bad! :) As always, thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you think!**

 **Em: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like my fic!**

 **UnscewedUp: I so agree! I hate Peter, but I feel like it's more than that. It's that he manipulates everyone and makes himself look so innocent, whereas he's hurting everybody.**

 **Thanks once again! :)**


	32. What?

**Peter's POV:**

Sirius ran up to me during a break period. "She found out!"

"Who found out what? This could be important! Hurry up and tell me already, Black Sheep."

I knew he hated the nickname. Maybe that's why I used it. It was fun, considering he'd never let anyone know how he felt about it. Not even Luna.

"Luna found out that you Confounded me!"

"She found out what? Why would I Confound you? Please tell me this isn't you making stuff up for attention again."

"What?"


	33. Triggered

**Luna's POV:**

There was a bang. A flash of light. And he was gone.

"Whose turn is it?" Lily asked.

"I think James," I said.

"Okay," James said, simply.

He pulled the cloak out of his bag, and vanished.

We all knew Defence often set Sirius off, but this was the third time in one week that he'd left the class.

There was nothing we could do, so we we turned our attention back to the lesson.

 **James's POV:**

I sighed.

I knew it wasn't Padfoot's fault that he was - what was the word Luna had used? - _triggered_ by this stuff, but it made me wonder sometimes how exactly he'd be an Auror if he couldn't sit through Defence. And it wasn't that I thought that he was weak, I could never think that, but…

There was no point trying to explain things I, myself, didn't understand, so I went to find Sirius.

Predictably, he was sitting on Remus's bed.

"Uhhh, mate, are you coming back to class?"

"Fuck off, Prongs," he said harshly.

Well.

"We both know Luna would kill me."

"And?"

"And you're not exactly making this easy for us. So, are you coming back to class or not?"

"Well, excuse me if my life isn't as perfect as yours. And you can leave now. Your job's done. No, I'm not going back."

"Fine." I spun on my heel and left.


	34. What Peace Felt Like

**Still James's POV:**

I went back to class. Honestly, these professors were **very** oblivious sometimes. Ah, well. Made it easy to get in and out of lessons.

"That was quick," Moony said.

I shrugged, hoping no one would ask.

"What happened?"

I mock-glared at Luna, and she smiled fleetingly.

"He's being an arse, as usual," remarked Wormtail. I had to agree, if only jokingly.

"Is he throwing things again?" asked Lils.

I shook my head. "Said that not everyone's lives are as perfect as mine."

It did have some truth to it.

"Oh."

"Yeah, I think we need intervention. See you all later, this might take a while."

Crescent left, pulling the balled-up cloak out of my hand.

 **Sirius's POV:**

I blinked away a tear as the door opened. Of course.

"Hey, you good?" Luna asked.

I shrugged. Words were a waste, anyway.

Words were my mother's weapon of choice, the echoes of which I could still hear buzzing around everything I did and didn't do. They'd haunt me forever and I was doomed to stay stuck in an avalanche of memories. They didn't exist to anyone else. Pathetic.

Pathetic, the way I always was. I couldn't even stay at my own brother's funeral.

"I miss Reg." I wasn't planning on saying that.

"So do I. I wish I'd gotten to know him better."

It struck me that the two of us were the only ones who even felt his loss.

"We should visit him sometime. I think he'd like that."

"Yeah, he would."

"You know it wasn't your fault, right?"  
I nodded, even though we all knew that I could've stopped this. He could've been alive and at Hogwarts and making memories and now he was gone forever and it **was** all my fault and I could hear mum's voice in my head again saying that I needed to be punished and fuck, I was **not** going to cry here and all I wanted was peace and I was fucked.

I said that last part aloud, and all Luna said was, "Aren't we all?" and I wished not for the first time that I could know what she was thinking like she always seemed to do.

And my eyes were drooping, probably the result of not sleeping for all of those nights, keeping the dreams and voices away and I fell asleep and stayed asleep because for the first time in years, I didn't hear anyone except Luna, softly singing something and I thought to myself that maybe this was what peace felt like.


	35. Luna and the Moon

**Remus's POV:**

I hated the moon.

I used to love it when I was younger. My parents bought me a telescope and I used to look at it every night before I fell asleep, dreading cloudy days.

One night, I smashed the telescope. It was easy to blame it on the wolf, but in reality, it was all me. I didn't want a constant reminder of the monster I was.

It seemed the moon was determined to follow me, haunt me, throughout my life. At age eleven, the first friend I made was named Luna. Moon. I didn't talk to her for months after I found out.

Then James told me I was being an idiot. Of course, he didn't know exactly why I was avoiding her, but he figured it wasn't that big a deal.

So I apologized, which she waved away and just like that, I had my first friend back. Turns out that James was smarter than I'd thought.


	36. (Not) A Cinderella Story

**Still Remus's POV:**

"Sirius. You need to wake up."

He shook his head slightly. "No. Never again. I just want to sleep."

So I kissed him. Amazing logic I had there. This wasn't Cinderella that Mum used to read to me when I was younger!

His eyes snapped open.

 _It_ did _work!_

And then, a blink later, he was curled up in a ball, shaking.

 _Merlin._

I stood there, transfixed and watched in horror as a guttural sob emerged from Sirius's throat and I still couldn't move as the door opened and my mouth wouldn't open to form the words "I don't know" when Lily asked if everything was okay and I was finally loose from the Body-Bind that wasn't on me. I sank to my knees.

 _I'd really screwed up this time._

"Right," Lily said. "Just a second."

She yelled down the stairs to the Common Room, "Someone get up here!"

"Remus, breathe," Lily said, her voice close to my ear and I vaguely registered someone sitting on Sirius's bed.

I took a breath.

 _I should've known better! I was his boyfriend, for Merlin's sake! If I couldn't make Sirius feel safe, who could?_

Lily led me out of the room.


	37. The Panic

**Sirius's POV:**

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn't _breathe_. Why the fuck couldn't I breathe?!

"Can you hear me?" Luna. Good. James would end up freaking out himself if he saw me like this.

"Y-eah."

"That's good. Just take a deep breath."  
I was trying but I still couldn't breathe! Fuck.

"You're going to be okay. Focus on breathing. Nice and slow, yeah?"

My lungs were going to explode. _I_ was going to explode. Just as I thought I was surely going to die, I felt a hand on my back.

I let out a shaky exhale.

How the _fuck_ did she manage to do that?!

"Nightmare?"

I didn't say anything. I was _not_ capable of speech just then.

"Just take it easy. It's okay."

 _It wasn't. This was going to kill me._

"Bad one, huh?"

That about summed it up.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged.

"That's alright."

 _I wondered why she was always so reasonable and oh Merlin, the panic was coming again and it was going to take me and maybe I didn't_ want _to go just yet._

Luna sat down next to me and looked me in the eyes.

"Sirius, you need to try and calm down. You're taking in air too fast but you think you're not getting enough so just take deep breaths. Try to match my breathing."

Her hand was on my back again, rubbing circles into it and I leaned into the touch because she was one of the few people who weren't afraid to touch me and I had always been starved for physical contact that didn't hurt.

"Even slower now, okay? Keep going, that's good. Your heart rate is evening out, so just a few more deep breaths."

 _I was tired, so tired, all the fucking time, now._

"I'm right here, you can rest. And we can tell McGonagall you aren't feeling well so you can take the day off and sleep for once, yeah?"

I nodded.

"Are you and Remus going to be okay?"

I blinked to clear my head and nodded.

"-ell him sorry?"

"I will, I promise. Now go to sleep."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Siri."


	38. Things We Can't Control

**Luna's POV:**

When I was sure Sirius was asleep, I went downstairs to check on Remus.

"Hey."

"Hi," he said.

"Uh, you good?"

He nodded sheepishly.

"Sirius asked me to tell you he was sorry. I don't know what exactly for, but…"

"I kissed him."

 _Oh._

"Sometimes," I said quietly, "when he has a nightmare, it takes a second for him to snap out of it. He's still stuck in the flashback when he wakes up."

"I didn't know," Remus whispered guiltily.

"So it's not your fault."

He sighed.

"Re, you've got to stop beating yourself up over things you can't control."

"It was terrifying. I didn't know what I did, well, I did, but you know what I mean, and he just seems so fragile sometimes! He's breaking apart, we all are, and the war won't end! I'm terrified of losing someone I love and then I feel selfish because people are dying every day and they have people who loved them but we don't think about them, we only think about ourselves!"

What could I say to that?

After a minute or so, Remus broke the silence himself. "I want to fight."

"I don't," I admitted. "I mean, I want to help, and I wouldn't mind fighting some, but all I ever wanted was to be a healer but I don't think I'll be able to now and I hate it. Sooner or later, Voldemort's gonna take over the Ministry and I'm Muggleborn. I can't work for Mungo's. I hate that our lives are being put on hold but even more that we have our lives but we try to die. I hate so many things right now and I hate hating because it makes you feel so full. It's an anger high. That's what Death Eaters do. They're so fucking bitter because of circumstance - no one is born bad. It's all fucking circumstance and the world is so fucking unfair! - and then they do awful things because of that. I'm so tired of it all. I want to sleep for a hundred years sometimes but I can't sleep. I'm **tired**! I'm tired of doing everything and it not being enough! I'm tired of it all."

"Me too."


	39. Earth to Sirius

"Padfoot?" James waved his hand in front of Sirius's face, making sure to keep some distance.

No response.

"Earth to Sirius?" I asked.

"What's that mean?" he asked absentmindedly.

"Muggle phrase. It's just something they say when someone's spacing out."

Noting the confused look on his face, I elaborated.

"Uhhhh, when someone isn't paying attention to something."

"Right," he said flatly, finally looking away from the fire.

Remus pulled him up.

"Why you feel that sitting on the floor is a good idea escapes me, but alright."

He sat back down.

James and Remus exchanged looks.

"Have you been sleeping lately?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged, blinking rapidly.

I shot him a questioning look.

"Just tired," he said.

"Which is why you're literally falling asleep standing up, and you've been staring at the fire but not seeing it for the past four hours."

"M'fine."

"No, you're not," I said quietly.

This Sirius scared me. Not because of his actions or anything but he was so disconnected from everything and there wasn't much I could do but wait it out and comfort him when the numbness was over and the feelings set in again.

"What's going on?" James asked.

"Nothing."

"Okay," I intervened. We didn't want a repeat of last time, when Peter had pushed Sirius too far.

"Yeah."

"Try to sleep tonight, yeah?"

He shrugged.

"For me? Please."

"You're not my mother. I know when I need to sleep and when I don't."  
"I know. All the same, try, yeah?"

"Alright."

I smiled.


	40. We're All Mad Here

**Remus's POV:**

Sirius. The brightest star in the night sky and the brightest thing in my dark life. I wondered sometimes if I was the only one that could see he was literally a beacon, emitting light wherever he went.

That sounded poetic. Ah, well.

I worried whether he, too, would burn out. I hoped not, for I'd soon follow, bringing the moon down with me. _If you're going to do something, do it right_ , I supposed.

All day, a pit of burning rage had been settling in my stomach and I was close to explosion, a supernova.

I didn't normally think in space terms. That was Luna. I wondered how she didn't go mad with all the deep thoughts.

 _We're all mad here._

These days, I wasn't sure where I ended and the anger began. Maybe it was a part of the monster inside me.

"Hey," Lily said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Hey."

We sat in silence for a while and maybe that was all I had needed.

 **A/N: I'm so sorry for the inconsistent posting! It's just that school just started again and I have a really long commute so I'm still trying to work my schedule out and my anxiety hasn't been the nicest lately. But I'll post whenever I can! :)**


	41. Progress

**Remus's POV:**

 _Inhale_ , I thought, climbing outside the window to sit on the ledge above the Tower. Not many people knew it existed, so it was the perfect place to think.

Luna cocked her head from inside, visible through the glass.

 _Are you okay?_

And then

 _Please don't jump._

I nodded, and she gave me a thumbs up.

I appreciated the distance. And the trust. I wasn't sure I deserved it.

The next look said,

 _What can you do about it?_

She turned away, giving me some privacy.

I pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one with a Muggle lighter.

 _Exhale._

The smoke blended into the grey sky all too well. Not good enough. I paused - Did I really want to do this? I'd lasted two weeks - and decided that yes, I did.

I lifted my robes up slightly and hovered the cigarette above my thigh. And pressed.

 _Fuck._

I covered my mouth to keep from screaming at the red-hot pain and a single tear dripped from my face to the shriveled-up spot on my leg.

 _This was bad. But it felt so good._

So I did it again.

And again.

And again.

The butt fell from my fingers. I lit a new one.

A few marks later, I became aware of eyes on me. Whirling around, I took the outstretched hand pulling me inside.

"Hey." Luna bit her lip.

"Hi."  
"I thought you said you were doing better."

"I was. I lasted two weeks, okay?"

"That's progress."

Progress. I was determined to make more of it.


	42. Love? Why?

**Flashback:**

 **Sirius's POV:**

" _Love you!" Luna called, stepping out of the portrait hole._

 _I froze._

 _Love? Wasn't that only for people that deserved it? How in Merlin's name did she think that she could say that to me?_

 _I ran after her._

" _What do you mean?"_

" _What do you mean, what do I mean?"_

" _You said you love me."_

" _Is something wrong?"_

" _No."_

" _What's going on? Do you not want me to say that?"_

 _I shook my head in frustration, hair flying all over the place._

" _I won't know what's going on unless you tell me, but all you have to say is that you're not comfortable with it if you're not. It's not a problem."_

" _Why?" I whispered. She had to understand._

" _Why do I love you?"_

 _I nodded._

" _You're my best friend. You're smart and funny and kind. You look out for me and you keep my secrets and you're always there for me when I need you."_

" _But I'm not any of those things."_

" _Yeah, you are. You just need to see yourself through someone else's point of view."_

" _What if I can't?"_

 **End flashback**


	43. What Friends are For

**Luna's POV:**

"I think…. We're all at least a little suicidal to keep living in this world," Sirius said.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Which is why your eyes are completely red and you look like general shit."

"Thanks."

"That's what friends are for. What happened?"

"I don't know. Everything's falling apart."

"Oh."

 **Two hours later:**

"I'm thinking of killing myself."

I looked up from the parchment I'd been writing on.

"Did something happen?"

He made a movement that was a cross between a nod and shaking his head.

"I'm thinking," I said, "that that's not the best idea."

"Nothing's worth it anymore."

I sighed. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know," he said, exasperated, frustrated. I knew the feeling all too well. Stagnant, and unmoving. I hated stagnancy.

"Okay. If or when you want to, I'm right here."

He nodded, clearly miserably. I hated this. I hated it all. Why couldn't we all just be okay? What did we do to deserve these burdens that life kept throwing at us? Reaching out blindly in the dark, we kept on going even though we didn't know what the future held, because really, what else could you do? Nothing. So we kept going.


End file.
